I have been absent from my blog for the past couple of weeks, mainly because I do not know what to say. I do not know what I feel, except sad. I find myself a lot less excited about events that I would normally get excited over. Don't get me wrong, I still love to see Davin's little face light up when he sees Christmas lights and presents under the tree. It's just that with every wonderful experience with him, I am reminded that Desi is not here and we will never make any memories with her.
I cried when I put up her only Christmas ornament and when I see the cute little Christmas dresses. I cried when I walked into my Mom and Dad's and there was no stocking hanging up for her. I do not expect them to get her a stocking, but she was supposed to be here. She was supposed to have a stocking with her name on it and tons of little goodies spilling out of it.
She was supposed to be here, but instead she spends her first Christmas with Jesus. I am so happy that all she will ever know is comfort, peace and safety. But all I want for Christmas is my little Desi. All I want is to hold her in my arms, feed her a bottle and sing her a Christmas carol as I rock her to sleep.
Why did my beautiful, perfectly healthy baby girl have to go? Why did she have to die? I do not expect an answer to these questions, but this is what is on my heart today. There is a lot of grief mixed into the happiness of the season and "happy" moments do not excite me like they used to. Maybe one day I will return to my old self who gets excited over good news or upset over bad news, but right now I am just numb.
I miss my baby Desi and words do not seem to come to mind. The truest way I can express this grief is through tears. Words just aren't as productive as a good cry.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Tis the Season
I just wanted to share this beautiful Christmas wreath that Kelli made for Desi's grave. It is so gorgeous and extremely girly! I know Desi would have loved it. Thanks Aunt Kelli!
I visited Desi's grave for the first time in several weeks to put her wreath up. Sadly, she has three new friends next to her. Just a few days ago a friend of mine told me about someone from her old church who lost her little boy at 39 weeks pregnant. It is incredibly sad that so many families experience this tragedy. The support group I attend, MEND, welcomes at least 7 new families every month who have experienced some sort of baby loss.
One thing I am more thankful for than ever is Davin. God knew what he was doing when he blessed Derrick and I with that little man. This tragedy would be so much harder if I didn't have him to come home to everyday. This blog is mainly about Desi but I couldn't help but sneak in this picture of Davin in his blaze orange. Nonna took him "hunting" while we were in Arkansas. Needless to say, he wants to live there now!
Family and friends, please continue to pray for our family, but also for the thousands of families who are suffering this same loss. Also, please pray for me during the holiday season. Thanksgiving was pretty tough. Walking into a house full of our family and not having her in my arms brought me to tears. Christmas is going to be really hard!
Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!
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| Desi's Christmas Wreath |
I visited Desi's grave for the first time in several weeks to put her wreath up. Sadly, she has three new friends next to her. Just a few days ago a friend of mine told me about someone from her old church who lost her little boy at 39 weeks pregnant. It is incredibly sad that so many families experience this tragedy. The support group I attend, MEND, welcomes at least 7 new families every month who have experienced some sort of baby loss.
One thing I am more thankful for than ever is Davin. God knew what he was doing when he blessed Derrick and I with that little man. This tragedy would be so much harder if I didn't have him to come home to everyday. This blog is mainly about Desi but I couldn't help but sneak in this picture of Davin in his blaze orange. Nonna took him "hunting" while we were in Arkansas. Needless to say, he wants to live there now!
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| Big Brother - Davin |
Family and friends, please continue to pray for our family, but also for the thousands of families who are suffering this same loss. Also, please pray for me during the holiday season. Thanksgiving was pretty tough. Walking into a house full of our family and not having her in my arms brought me to tears. Christmas is going to be really hard!
Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Let the Music Play
As most of you can tell from my last post, I have been having a pretty rough time lately. I am embarrassed because looking back at that post it makes me think...pity party anyone? I know that my emotions are normal and I shouldn't be ashamed of my feelings. I started this blog as a place to vent, not only for friends and family to know where I am, but also as a place for me to look back in years to come and hopefully see how far God has brought my heart.
I have had to let go of a lot of things in the last few months, including my high expectations that no person can live up to. Even though my grief is justified, I have to keep my priorities straight. There is no human being on this planet who can comfort me the way that I need to be comforted. There is no person who is going to know exactly what to say and when to say it. No one can read my mind...which is probably a good thing! I'm sure my thoughts would make anyone think that I am crazy!
Thankfully God knows what I need, when I need it. I feel the closest to Him through music. For those of you who have known me forever know that I love music! It speaks to my soul and that is usually how God speaks to me. I will have a really hard time with something and then the perfect song will come on KSBJ. I take my worship time very seriously because that is my time to sing to my Lord. I may not have the best voice in the world, but I know it tugs at His heartstrings when I sing with pure love for Him.
So speaking of music, last night I was driving home alone in my car and the most wonderful song came on that really addressed my last post. God spoke to me when I needed Him most. Here are some of lyrics:
Where Your Heart Belongs by Mainstay
You've been down the darkest roads
And you know just how it feels to lose your hope
But don't give up on everything
When everyone has given up on you
And it feels like everyone has left you
You're not alone, I hear you call
I've been waiting for you through it all
You're not alone, come to the cross
Let me show you where your heart belongs
You're not alone
I will never leave you, come back to My open arms
To the only love you need
In contrast to the lyrics, I do not feel like anyone has given up on me. But I have put such an emphasis on others remembering this loss and seeking comfort from others who cannot be here for me the way I need them. I would still love to hear from my loved ones every now and then but I did not mean to send a guilt trip to family and friends.
I love you all so very much and pray that you will all be patient with me as I navigate these tough times. I hope to learn a lot from my posts, for the good and the bad.
Thank you Lord for your endless love that you pour over me in so many ways. Lord, I pray that you will keep my eyes and heart focused on you in my darkest hours. I pray you will remove any disappointment and frustration from my heart and remind me of the many people who are still praying, remembering and encouraging me. You are my comfort and my healer. Only you know the true desires of my heart and I know that you will bring something wonderful from this tragedy.
We studied this scripture in our Bible Study last week and it has spoken to my heart on so many levels!
Revelation 21: 3-4 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
Hallelujah! Let the music play, Lord. I love to hear Your song!!
I have had to let go of a lot of things in the last few months, including my high expectations that no person can live up to. Even though my grief is justified, I have to keep my priorities straight. There is no human being on this planet who can comfort me the way that I need to be comforted. There is no person who is going to know exactly what to say and when to say it. No one can read my mind...which is probably a good thing! I'm sure my thoughts would make anyone think that I am crazy!
Thankfully God knows what I need, when I need it. I feel the closest to Him through music. For those of you who have known me forever know that I love music! It speaks to my soul and that is usually how God speaks to me. I will have a really hard time with something and then the perfect song will come on KSBJ. I take my worship time very seriously because that is my time to sing to my Lord. I may not have the best voice in the world, but I know it tugs at His heartstrings when I sing with pure love for Him.
So speaking of music, last night I was driving home alone in my car and the most wonderful song came on that really addressed my last post. God spoke to me when I needed Him most. Here are some of lyrics:
Where Your Heart Belongs by Mainstay
You've been down the darkest roads
And you know just how it feels to lose your hope
But don't give up on everything
When everyone has given up on you
And it feels like everyone has left you
You're not alone, I hear you call
I've been waiting for you through it all
You're not alone, come to the cross
Let me show you where your heart belongs
You're not alone
I will never leave you, come back to My open arms
To the only love you need
In contrast to the lyrics, I do not feel like anyone has given up on me. But I have put such an emphasis on others remembering this loss and seeking comfort from others who cannot be here for me the way I need them. I would still love to hear from my loved ones every now and then but I did not mean to send a guilt trip to family and friends.
I love you all so very much and pray that you will all be patient with me as I navigate these tough times. I hope to learn a lot from my posts, for the good and the bad.
Thank you Lord for your endless love that you pour over me in so many ways. Lord, I pray that you will keep my eyes and heart focused on you in my darkest hours. I pray you will remove any disappointment and frustration from my heart and remind me of the many people who are still praying, remembering and encouraging me. You are my comfort and my healer. Only you know the true desires of my heart and I know that you will bring something wonderful from this tragedy.
We studied this scripture in our Bible Study last week and it has spoken to my heart on so many levels!
Revelation 21: 3-4 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
Hallelujah! Let the music play, Lord. I love to hear Your song!!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Isn't this supposed to get easier?
I am three months in to my "new normal" and let me tell you, there is nothing "normal" about it. I know that this loss is going to be difficult but I feel like I've been having more bad days than good. It must be the holidays coming up, or the fact that little by little, the shock is still wearing off.
I don't cry as much as I did in the beginning but when I do, it's so much deeper. My grief is so much deeper. Instead of crying many tears after looking at her pictures, all I have to do is think of her pretty face and I find myself on hands and knees in the middle of her nursery floor sobbing. It's so hard to think about God's perfect plan when all I want is to have her in my arms.
Friends and family, please continue to pray for me. Pray that God will comfort me on the hard days and that he will remove some of the disappointment that I have been experiencing. I know that people have not forgotten my loss but it would be so nice to get a random email or phone call from some of the people who were there in the beginning. Anything just to show that Desi is not forgotten and that I still have friends who make this loss a priority. Grief doesn't end when you are three months into it. For me, it feels like it is only the beginning.
Don't get me wrong, it is great to be on the top of someone's prayer list, but it's totally different when you hear from that person who has been praying for you. I have leaned a lot about how I want to treat someone who has lost a loved one. And it will happen, we will all lose loved ones at some point in time. There have been a few people who have really been the hands and feet of Christ in my life. They have reached out, even when their schedules are busy. They have called, even when the subject may be uncomfortable. They encourage me with scriptures, prayers and reassurance that they are there for me.
Thanks to all of the people who keep reaching out and for those who still read the blog. I LOVE reading your comments and I know how much you love our family! I am so blessed to have you in my life and you have kept me going.
I know that this frustration will pass. Like I said, I think the fast approaching holidays are really messing with my emotions. I am excited to see Davin open his gifts and he is overjoyed with thoughts of presents and Santa. On the other hand, I wish I could skip it all together. It's going to be a day filled with tears as I think about Christmas without Desi. Thinking about the outfit she would have worn, the gifts she would have gotten and all the pictures we would have taken of the newest member of our family.
I am beginning to realize that this is going to get harder, before it gets easier.
I don't cry as much as I did in the beginning but when I do, it's so much deeper. My grief is so much deeper. Instead of crying many tears after looking at her pictures, all I have to do is think of her pretty face and I find myself on hands and knees in the middle of her nursery floor sobbing. It's so hard to think about God's perfect plan when all I want is to have her in my arms.
Friends and family, please continue to pray for me. Pray that God will comfort me on the hard days and that he will remove some of the disappointment that I have been experiencing. I know that people have not forgotten my loss but it would be so nice to get a random email or phone call from some of the people who were there in the beginning. Anything just to show that Desi is not forgotten and that I still have friends who make this loss a priority. Grief doesn't end when you are three months into it. For me, it feels like it is only the beginning.
Don't get me wrong, it is great to be on the top of someone's prayer list, but it's totally different when you hear from that person who has been praying for you. I have leaned a lot about how I want to treat someone who has lost a loved one. And it will happen, we will all lose loved ones at some point in time. There have been a few people who have really been the hands and feet of Christ in my life. They have reached out, even when their schedules are busy. They have called, even when the subject may be uncomfortable. They encourage me with scriptures, prayers and reassurance that they are there for me.
Thanks to all of the people who keep reaching out and for those who still read the blog. I LOVE reading your comments and I know how much you love our family! I am so blessed to have you in my life and you have kept me going.
I know that this frustration will pass. Like I said, I think the fast approaching holidays are really messing with my emotions. I am excited to see Davin open his gifts and he is overjoyed with thoughts of presents and Santa. On the other hand, I wish I could skip it all together. It's going to be a day filled with tears as I think about Christmas without Desi. Thinking about the outfit she would have worn, the gifts she would have gotten and all the pictures we would have taken of the newest member of our family.
I am beginning to realize that this is going to get harder, before it gets easier.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Three Months...and counting
Today marks three months since we lost Desi. The day has gone by with very few tears and I've managed to keep myself busy. It's so funny that the last few "milestones" have occurred on a Wednesday. Shortly after losing Desi I signed up for the Ladies Bible Study at church that meet on Wednesday nights and has been AMAZING! I give all the glory to God on that one! He knows that these days are so hard and what better way to celebrate the life of my princess than to be surrounded with my Father's comfort and such wonderful ladies.
Life has pretty much gone on as usual in the Rodgers' household. I find myself crying less and less but I still think of her constantly. Instead of picking out her Christmas presents, I find myself picking out arrangements for her grave. It's one of the few places where I can express my love for her in a tangible way, for all the world to see. I want people to walk by her grave and say "that baby must really be loved and missed"!
It's so hard for me right now. I know that people's lives are going on. Babies are being born, holidays are right around the corner and life just seems to be a whirlwind. I know that people are not necessarily going to forget this loss, but it will not be on the top of their mind like it has been the past few months.
With that being said, I got one of the best comments just now from my cousin Ryan who lives in Michigan. Most of our communication is through email and facebook but I was moved to tears by her comment on my last blog post. In her comment, she mentioned how hearing my story has reminded her of the blessings of her children, even when we are irritated with them. She is so right and I find myself guilty of this even today. I am so blessed to have Davin and I know now how short life really can be, but I still become frustrated at times with things that are so miniscule in the grand scheme.
In her comment, she also mentioned that she knows that I would give anything to get to experience those "irritating" moments with Desi. That is so true and I love it that she thought of how I might be feeling in this time of loss. I was just thinking yesterday that I would give up everything to have Desi back. I would endure sleepless nights for years, a teething toddler, tantrums and fits. I would give anything to watch her throw a little tantrum (never thought I would say that!).
God is so good! He knew how badly I needed someone to remember Desi today and it just so happens that she left that comment. He has used people in ways that I didn't think possible. And when people have been absent, he has wrapped me up in His arms and given me the comfort that I so badly desire. He is my comforter, my strength and the healer of my broken heart.
And so my journey continues. Three months and counting, but I'm still living, laughing and loving, just a few more tears along the way.
Life has pretty much gone on as usual in the Rodgers' household. I find myself crying less and less but I still think of her constantly. Instead of picking out her Christmas presents, I find myself picking out arrangements for her grave. It's one of the few places where I can express my love for her in a tangible way, for all the world to see. I want people to walk by her grave and say "that baby must really be loved and missed"!
It's so hard for me right now. I know that people's lives are going on. Babies are being born, holidays are right around the corner and life just seems to be a whirlwind. I know that people are not necessarily going to forget this loss, but it will not be on the top of their mind like it has been the past few months.
With that being said, I got one of the best comments just now from my cousin Ryan who lives in Michigan. Most of our communication is through email and facebook but I was moved to tears by her comment on my last blog post. In her comment, she mentioned how hearing my story has reminded her of the blessings of her children, even when we are irritated with them. She is so right and I find myself guilty of this even today. I am so blessed to have Davin and I know now how short life really can be, but I still become frustrated at times with things that are so miniscule in the grand scheme.
In her comment, she also mentioned that she knows that I would give anything to get to experience those "irritating" moments with Desi. That is so true and I love it that she thought of how I might be feeling in this time of loss. I was just thinking yesterday that I would give up everything to have Desi back. I would endure sleepless nights for years, a teething toddler, tantrums and fits. I would give anything to watch her throw a little tantrum (never thought I would say that!).
God is so good! He knew how badly I needed someone to remember Desi today and it just so happens that she left that comment. He has used people in ways that I didn't think possible. And when people have been absent, he has wrapped me up in His arms and given me the comfort that I so badly desire. He is my comforter, my strength and the healer of my broken heart.
And so my journey continues. Three months and counting, but I'm still living, laughing and loving, just a few more tears along the way.
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| Celebrating Three Months in Heaven - I miss you baby girl! |
Monday, October 17, 2011
October 15th - Remembering our babies
I recently found out about October 15th. This day is recognized as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. On this day, everyone is asked to light a candle at 7:00 p.m. and let it burn for one hour in remembrance of all the precious babies that left this world too soon.
October 15th also happens to be the day that we lost our second child through miscarriage. I have a lot of mixed emotions about this loss. I honestly did not truly grieve losing our second child until I became pregnant with Desi. Instead of enjoying my third pregnancy, I was struck with such fear. Fear of losing another baby and guilt that I had not allowed myself to think of that child very much.
I now think of Baby D quite often. It is a different type of loss because very few people knew we were pregnant, I didn't have a name or nursery and we didn't even know if we were having a boy or a girl. Our loss happened when I was 13 weeks pregnant. We went in for our first ultrasound and there was no heartbeat but the baby measured the size of an 11 week fetus. That baby was living even if I never felt it move.
However, the loss of Desi has a totally different meaning to me. We had a name, a nursery, clothes, and plans for our little princess. My life has been forever changed and my heart is missing a huge piece.
I love both of my babies so very much and I cannot wait to see them again. Until then, like most of the babylost community, I will cling to these amazing days that are dedicated to our loss. October 15th is a day for all of us to make it known that we have lost our children and not have to be afraid of who is uncomfortable.
I think that is the hardest part of where I am in my grief right now. People can sit around and talk about cancer, diseases and death, but very few are comfortable talking about a baby dying. It is something that no mother wants to acknowledge until it happens to them. I know that is how I was until all of this happened. I avoided people who I knew had experienced a baby loss because I was uncomfortable.
I know that the we have come a long way as far as acknowledging these little lives but I think we have a lot farther to go. I am so tired of people looking at me with nothing but pity. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. If you are sad for my loss you should give me a hug, let me see you cry or listen to me when I need so badly to get things out.
Please do not be scared to ask me about Desi. I love to hear her name and talk about what I have experienced and I would love to help others understand this experience in case, heaven forbid, you should know someone who has to join this babylost "club".
Thank you to everyone who participated in Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and I hope that more will join us next year as we light our candles in remembrance. I know that remembering my babies makes me feel better, but I love it even more when others remember and acknowledge them.
October 15th also happens to be the day that we lost our second child through miscarriage. I have a lot of mixed emotions about this loss. I honestly did not truly grieve losing our second child until I became pregnant with Desi. Instead of enjoying my third pregnancy, I was struck with such fear. Fear of losing another baby and guilt that I had not allowed myself to think of that child very much.
I now think of Baby D quite often. It is a different type of loss because very few people knew we were pregnant, I didn't have a name or nursery and we didn't even know if we were having a boy or a girl. Our loss happened when I was 13 weeks pregnant. We went in for our first ultrasound and there was no heartbeat but the baby measured the size of an 11 week fetus. That baby was living even if I never felt it move.
However, the loss of Desi has a totally different meaning to me. We had a name, a nursery, clothes, and plans for our little princess. My life has been forever changed and my heart is missing a huge piece.
I love both of my babies so very much and I cannot wait to see them again. Until then, like most of the babylost community, I will cling to these amazing days that are dedicated to our loss. October 15th is a day for all of us to make it known that we have lost our children and not have to be afraid of who is uncomfortable.
I think that is the hardest part of where I am in my grief right now. People can sit around and talk about cancer, diseases and death, but very few are comfortable talking about a baby dying. It is something that no mother wants to acknowledge until it happens to them. I know that is how I was until all of this happened. I avoided people who I knew had experienced a baby loss because I was uncomfortable.
I know that the we have come a long way as far as acknowledging these little lives but I think we have a lot farther to go. I am so tired of people looking at me with nothing but pity. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. If you are sad for my loss you should give me a hug, let me see you cry or listen to me when I need so badly to get things out.
Please do not be scared to ask me about Desi. I love to hear her name and talk about what I have experienced and I would love to help others understand this experience in case, heaven forbid, you should know someone who has to join this babylost "club".
Thank you to everyone who participated in Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and I hope that more will join us next year as we light our candles in remembrance. I know that remembering my babies makes me feel better, but I love it even more when others remember and acknowledge them.
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| Candlelight Service for Desi & Baby Rodgers |
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
A Walk to Remember
This past weekend Mom, Kelli, Brianne and I attended the MEND Annual Walk to Remember. MEND is the support group that I joined just a few short weeks after losing Desi. It is a christian based organization that reaches out to Moms and families who have experienced all forms of baby loss, whether it is a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth or infant death.
MEND has become a safe haven for me. It's a place where I can share my feelings with a group of people who understand and experience my pain. Just being in a room with 50 other women who know this kind of loss is a godsend. I love hearing their stories of this journey and it brings me so much encouragement to see that they come out on the other side of this tragedy still standing and usually much stronger because of it.
The Walk to Remember is a time for each family to have their baby recognized and to have your loss acknowledged. It was so freeing to be able to cry whenever it felt right and not feel like I have to hold anything in. It was even better getting to share it with three of my very best friends. I love you so much Mom, Kelli and Bree! Thank you for being there to support me in my hour of need.
As a surprise to Mom, I also registered our sibling in heaven to have their name read aloud. It was important to me that Mom know that I have not forgotten her loss. She has a baby waiting in heaven too! A baby that I cannot wait to meet and I just know that all three of our little ones are playing together in heaven!
Here are a few of the pictures that we took of our amazing day! Thank you so much to MEND for taking the time to make my first Walk To Remember a day that I will never forget!
I also want to thank Micah with Blackbird Design. He designed and printed our awesome t-shirts for free! They are absolutely beautiful and something I will treasure for a very long time!
MEND has become a safe haven for me. It's a place where I can share my feelings with a group of people who understand and experience my pain. Just being in a room with 50 other women who know this kind of loss is a godsend. I love hearing their stories of this journey and it brings me so much encouragement to see that they come out on the other side of this tragedy still standing and usually much stronger because of it.
The Walk to Remember is a time for each family to have their baby recognized and to have your loss acknowledged. It was so freeing to be able to cry whenever it felt right and not feel like I have to hold anything in. It was even better getting to share it with three of my very best friends. I love you so much Mom, Kelli and Bree! Thank you for being there to support me in my hour of need.
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| Kelli, Brianne and Mom with our balloons |
As a surprise to Mom, I also registered our sibling in heaven to have their name read aloud. It was important to me that Mom know that I have not forgotten her loss. She has a baby waiting in heaven too! A baby that I cannot wait to meet and I just know that all three of our little ones are playing together in heaven!
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| A Christmas Ornament for Baby Goode |
Here are a few of the pictures that we took of our amazing day! Thank you so much to MEND for taking the time to make my first Walk To Remember a day that I will never forget!
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| Me with a picture of my baby girl |
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| Ornaments for Desi and Baby Rodgers |
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| Bree, Mom and I getting ready to release our balloons |
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| The Balloon Release |
What Could Have Been
Last night was a little rough for me. I was cooking dinner, cleaning around the house and finishing up my Bible Study and I noticed that I was on edge. I was annoyed with Davin and Derrick, but I couldn't figure out why. Then as I was putting away laundry I just lost it. I broke down right there in my laundry room. It is amazing how this grief can creep up on you.
About a month ago, I was driving alone in my car and found myself replaying the whole experience (like I do most days) and I remember asking myself, "what exactly am I grieving"? Obviously losing a baby is a horrible experience, to say the least. I grieve losing my precious Desi but I wasn't given a lot of time to get to know her. Only eight short months, and four of those months I didn't even know she was a girl.
As I continued thinking about it, I realized that not only do I grieve the loss of Desi in a physical sense, I think I grieve more all of the things that I did not and will not get to experience with her. I will never watch her take her first steps or drop her off for her first day of kindergarten. I will never help her make a homecoming mum or shop for her wedding dress. I will never get to make any memories with her; that is what I grieve the most.
It hit me as I was driving that day and I wondered if God grieves the same thing for us. It was never His plan for us to feel pain, hurt, sadness or death. It's no wonder why death feels so wrong. It was never God's plan for us to experience death. I am not sure if God grieves but I do wonder if he feels this same pain that I feel for Desi's life. He wanted us to spend eternity with Him where we could worship Him and walk with Him. He planned a life of joy and happiness for all of us. Our sin has separated us from that life that He had planned, and I wonder if He is sad that our lives have to be full of loss and pain at times.
It brings me so much comfort to know that God truly understands me. He also had to watch His Son die for us and I believe He grieves with me in my loss. I think He grieves what could have been and what should have been for us. I am so thankful for an understanding God.
About a month ago, I was driving alone in my car and found myself replaying the whole experience (like I do most days) and I remember asking myself, "what exactly am I grieving"? Obviously losing a baby is a horrible experience, to say the least. I grieve losing my precious Desi but I wasn't given a lot of time to get to know her. Only eight short months, and four of those months I didn't even know she was a girl.
As I continued thinking about it, I realized that not only do I grieve the loss of Desi in a physical sense, I think I grieve more all of the things that I did not and will not get to experience with her. I will never watch her take her first steps or drop her off for her first day of kindergarten. I will never help her make a homecoming mum or shop for her wedding dress. I will never get to make any memories with her; that is what I grieve the most.
It hit me as I was driving that day and I wondered if God grieves the same thing for us. It was never His plan for us to feel pain, hurt, sadness or death. It's no wonder why death feels so wrong. It was never God's plan for us to experience death. I am not sure if God grieves but I do wonder if he feels this same pain that I feel for Desi's life. He wanted us to spend eternity with Him where we could worship Him and walk with Him. He planned a life of joy and happiness for all of us. Our sin has separated us from that life that He had planned, and I wonder if He is sad that our lives have to be full of loss and pain at times.
It brings me so much comfort to know that God truly understands me. He also had to watch His Son die for us and I believe He grieves with me in my loss. I think He grieves what could have been and what should have been for us. I am so thankful for an understanding God.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Pictures worth a thousand words
I just wanted to take a minute and say thank you to the people who gave me some of the best gifts ever!
Derrick's dad, Duane, came to the hospital shortly after Desi was born. He was the only one to think of bringing a camera to take a few pictures of Derrick, Desi and me. My family and I did not even think about a camera! I was exhausted and honestly, I didn't think I would even want them. I am so thankful that he thought to snap a few pictures of our princess and they are some of my favorites! Thank you Pappaw Duane!
I also want to thank my Mom for taking pictures at Desi's funeral. We were lucky enough to be able to see her in her casket. I know that this was extremely difficult for my Mom...it's hard to take pictures when you're crying! I love you so much Mom and Dad! Here is one of the pictures that my Mom took and my best friend had touched up as a surprise for me on Desi's due date!
Thank you so much to all of our friends and family for your love, support, prayers and gifts! We could not get through this without each and every one of you!!
Derrick's dad, Duane, came to the hospital shortly after Desi was born. He was the only one to think of bringing a camera to take a few pictures of Derrick, Desi and me. My family and I did not even think about a camera! I was exhausted and honestly, I didn't think I would even want them. I am so thankful that he thought to snap a few pictures of our princess and they are some of my favorites! Thank you Pappaw Duane!
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| Pappaw Duane & his princess Desi |
I also want to thank my Mom for taking pictures at Desi's funeral. We were lucky enough to be able to see her in her casket. I know that this was extremely difficult for my Mom...it's hard to take pictures when you're crying! I love you so much Mom and Dad! Here is one of the pictures that my Mom took and my best friend had touched up as a surprise for me on Desi's due date!
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| Our Little Cupie Doll, as Mom called her! |
Thursday, September 22, 2011
With Love from Dallas
All of Texas was sending their love to Desi! Here are pictures from my best friend, Dori, and her precious baby Ellie! They did their own balloon release from Dallas. We love you Dori, Colton and Ellie!!
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| Dori & Ellie releasing their balloons along with a note for Desi! |
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| There they go! |
The Much Anticipated Due Date
September 21st, 2011 was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. This is the day that we were supposed to be having our baby girl, Desi. In all honesty, I was kind of hoping she would come sooner since my Doctor estimated that she would weigh about 10 pounds! Even so, September 21st marked the end of my pregnancy and the beginning of my life with Desi!
After losing Desi though, September 21st had turned into a day that I wanted to avoid. I am learning that these little milestones are the hardest...the first month after she passed, her due date, our first Christmas, etc. These dates that would normally bring me so much joy have now taken on a whole new meaning. They are painful days that I sometimes wish I could just sleep through and not have to live through.
Since I know that I will have to face my pain and grief head on in order to get through this, I decided to do something really special for Desi on what would have been her due date. Mom, Dad, Brianne, Davin and I picked up pink balloons and released them at her grave.
There was an extra surprise this time because her headstone had finally come in. This caused mixed emotions for me. It was pretty devastating to see her name in stone. It made all of this so much more real and I spent several minutes balling and running my fingers over her name. On the other hand, seeing her name brought me a lot of joy. From now on, when people visit that place they will see the name Desi Elise Rodgers. She was a person, she was real and she is so very loved. She has a place in this world even if she never took her first breath. She had an impact in the lives of our family and friends and she will never be forgotten. I love to see her name and hear her name...it brings me so much joy that her life is acknowledged.
Davin and I released 14 balloons for little Desi. One balloon that said "Baby Girl", one Mickey Mouse balloon that Davin picked out and a dozen pink balloons. On each of the pink balloons I listed all of the things that I was looking forward to on our due date.
Here is the list that I came up with:
1) Smelling your sweet new baby scent
2) Hearing your first cry
3) Watching you and Davin interact
4) Seeing you open your eyes for the first time
5) Watching you sleep
6) Feeding you your first bottle
7) Watching your Daddy love on you
8) Introducing you to friends and family
9) Snuggling you in a soft blanket
10) Putting a bow in your hair
11) Holding you for hours
12) Kissing you from head to toe
It's crazy to think that the list above are all things that I probably would have taken for granted. I would have been thankful for her being healthy but I wouldn't have really truly been grateful for all of these blessings. Having children is a true gift from God. Of course we get frustrated at times but I know that my outlook on these everyday blessings has changed forever.
My little Desi, how I longed for September 21st. I couldn't wait to have you in my arms and kiss you. I know that you are in heaven and that your kisses now come from God. We miss you so very much here and cannot wait for the day that we can see you again. I hope that you loved your balloons! Davin picked out the Mickey Mouse balloon...Mickey Mouse is driving a car. Davin was so looking forward to teaching you how to drive his little cars. We love you and miss you everyday! Until I see you again, you will always have a piece of my heart. Love - Mommy
After losing Desi though, September 21st had turned into a day that I wanted to avoid. I am learning that these little milestones are the hardest...the first month after she passed, her due date, our first Christmas, etc. These dates that would normally bring me so much joy have now taken on a whole new meaning. They are painful days that I sometimes wish I could just sleep through and not have to live through.
Since I know that I will have to face my pain and grief head on in order to get through this, I decided to do something really special for Desi on what would have been her due date. Mom, Dad, Brianne, Davin and I picked up pink balloons and released them at her grave.
There was an extra surprise this time because her headstone had finally come in. This caused mixed emotions for me. It was pretty devastating to see her name in stone. It made all of this so much more real and I spent several minutes balling and running my fingers over her name. On the other hand, seeing her name brought me a lot of joy. From now on, when people visit that place they will see the name Desi Elise Rodgers. She was a person, she was real and she is so very loved. She has a place in this world even if she never took her first breath. She had an impact in the lives of our family and friends and she will never be forgotten. I love to see her name and hear her name...it brings me so much joy that her life is acknowledged.
Davin and I released 14 balloons for little Desi. One balloon that said "Baby Girl", one Mickey Mouse balloon that Davin picked out and a dozen pink balloons. On each of the pink balloons I listed all of the things that I was looking forward to on our due date.
Here is the list that I came up with:
1) Smelling your sweet new baby scent
2) Hearing your first cry
3) Watching you and Davin interact
4) Seeing you open your eyes for the first time
5) Watching you sleep
6) Feeding you your first bottle
7) Watching your Daddy love on you
8) Introducing you to friends and family
9) Snuggling you in a soft blanket
10) Putting a bow in your hair
11) Holding you for hours
12) Kissing you from head to toe
It's crazy to think that the list above are all things that I probably would have taken for granted. I would have been thankful for her being healthy but I wouldn't have really truly been grateful for all of these blessings. Having children is a true gift from God. Of course we get frustrated at times but I know that my outlook on these everyday blessings has changed forever.
My little Desi, how I longed for September 21st. I couldn't wait to have you in my arms and kiss you. I know that you are in heaven and that your kisses now come from God. We miss you so very much here and cannot wait for the day that we can see you again. I hope that you loved your balloons! Davin picked out the Mickey Mouse balloon...Mickey Mouse is driving a car. Davin was so looking forward to teaching you how to drive his little cars. We love you and miss you everyday! Until I see you again, you will always have a piece of my heart. Love - Mommy
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| Look at all those balloons!! |
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| Davin sending up Mickey Mouse |
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| Pappaw send his love |
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| Davin released Nonna's kisses for Desi |
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| Auntie releases her balloons with a special note to Desi |
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| Releasing our last balloon for Desi |
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| Up, up and away! |
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| Desi's headstone and new floral arrangement from Mommy, Daddy & Davin |
Saturday, September 17, 2011
The Most Beautiful Rose
Last week I started reading a really great book called "A Symphony in the Dark" by Barbara Rainey and Rebecca Rainey Mutz. It is an incredible story of a family that also lost their baby girl and their journey seeking God in the midst of the pain. I highly recommend it if you like to cry like a baby while reading! It was kind of hard to read through the tears!
Anyway, in the book was this story by Charles Spurgeon and it really put a lot of things in perspective for me.
"The Master Comes"
Suppose you are a gardener employed by another; it is not your garden but you are called upon to tend it...You come one morning into the garden, and you find that the best rose has been taken away. You are angry; you go to your fellow servants, and charge them with having taken the rose. They will declare that they had nothing at all to do with it; and one says, 'I saw the master walking here this morning; I think he took it'. Is the gardener angry then? No, at once he says, 'I am happy that my rose should have been so fair as to attract the attention of the master. It is his own: he hath taken it; let him do what seemeth him good.'
I really love this story. It reminds me that Desi was never truly "mine". She is God's daughter before she is mine. I was entrusted to take care of her for the short amount of time that she was on this Earth but God decided to take her home to be with Him. Who am I to question His perfect plan?
Don't get me wrong, I ask "why" all of the time but I do not expect to get an answer in this lifetime. Even when I get to heaven, I don't think I will ask God why He took her. It will not matter because I will get to spend eternity with her! What a wonderful day that will be to have her in my arms again!!
Desi was one of the most beautiful roses in the garden and God wanted her with Him. God is so much more real to me now, even in these dark days of grief and heartbreak. I can honestly say that it took losing her to truly find Him.
Anyway, in the book was this story by Charles Spurgeon and it really put a lot of things in perspective for me.
"The Master Comes"
Suppose you are a gardener employed by another; it is not your garden but you are called upon to tend it...You come one morning into the garden, and you find that the best rose has been taken away. You are angry; you go to your fellow servants, and charge them with having taken the rose. They will declare that they had nothing at all to do with it; and one says, 'I saw the master walking here this morning; I think he took it'. Is the gardener angry then? No, at once he says, 'I am happy that my rose should have been so fair as to attract the attention of the master. It is his own: he hath taken it; let him do what seemeth him good.'
I really love this story. It reminds me that Desi was never truly "mine". She is God's daughter before she is mine. I was entrusted to take care of her for the short amount of time that she was on this Earth but God decided to take her home to be with Him. Who am I to question His perfect plan?
Don't get me wrong, I ask "why" all of the time but I do not expect to get an answer in this lifetime. Even when I get to heaven, I don't think I will ask God why He took her. It will not matter because I will get to spend eternity with her! What a wonderful day that will be to have her in my arms again!!
Desi was one of the most beautiful roses in the garden and God wanted her with Him. God is so much more real to me now, even in these dark days of grief and heartbreak. I can honestly say that it took losing her to truly find Him.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Names in the Sand
This is just a really quick post that I just had to share.
Earlier this week I put Desi's name on the waiting list to have her name written in the sand. I know it sounds crazy, but a fellow Mom from Australia who lost her baby several years ago does this as part of her ministry. She lives within driving distance to a beautiful beach in Australia and will write the names in the sand every night!
I cannot imagine sacrificing every night so that I could bring a little hope or encouragement to other grieving families.
Below is the link to her site with Desi's name. The sunset is absolutely beautiful! I actually prayed that God would have the sunset be purple and pink, since they are such girly colors. And guess what, he answered that prayer even though it was so silly!
This is one more piece of her that I will cherish. Not many people can say that their name was written on one of the most beautiful beaches halfway across the world! I love you Desi!
http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2011/09/desi-elise-rodgers.html
Earlier this week I put Desi's name on the waiting list to have her name written in the sand. I know it sounds crazy, but a fellow Mom from Australia who lost her baby several years ago does this as part of her ministry. She lives within driving distance to a beautiful beach in Australia and will write the names in the sand every night!
I cannot imagine sacrificing every night so that I could bring a little hope or encouragement to other grieving families.
Below is the link to her site with Desi's name. The sunset is absolutely beautiful! I actually prayed that God would have the sunset be purple and pink, since they are such girly colors. And guess what, he answered that prayer even though it was so silly!
This is one more piece of her that I will cherish. Not many people can say that their name was written on one of the most beautiful beaches halfway across the world! I love you Desi!
http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2011/09/desi-elise-rodgers.html
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Most people only dream of angels
After Derrick and I regrouped from the shocking news we immediately called our family. Derrick's mom was in complete disbelief and all my mom could do was cry on the other end of the phone. Together they helped spread the word to many of our friends and extended family that our little Desi had gone home to be with Jesus.
Because my body was not ready to go into labor yet, I was given a medication to help start the process before they gave me the pitocin. The medicine took 12 hours to be fully effective so we stayed the night at the hospital. At 7:00 a.m. Tuesday morning they began the pitocin which sent me into full blown labor very quickly. After a difficult 12 hours of laboring and grieving simultaneously, our princess made her grand debut at approximately 7:00 p.m. on August 2, 2011. Desi had passed away from an umbilical cord accident. I guess she had turned the same direction so many times that it caused a kink in her cord that shut off her whole life support from me.
She was absolutely perfect! 10 fingers, 10 toes and a head full of black hair. I was so relieved that labor was over that I think I smiled my first sincere smile in over 24 hours. I was still in shock that she was already gone. Labor doesn't mean as much when you aren't greeted with a crying baby. It was like my race was over with no gold medal at the finish line.
Derrick and I rested for about an hour before we asked the nurses to bring our baby girl in. They brought her in the room with the blanket covering her. I can understand others not wanting to see a dead baby as they walk down the hall to get ice or head to the elevator. As soon as they pulled the blanket away I saw the most beautiful baby girl. She looked just like Davin when he was born.
I almost couldn't even find tears. I knew that I would only have a few moments with her in this lifetime and I didn't want to be a blubbering crazy person while I had her in my arms. I wanted to enjoy every second that I had to hold her and look at her beautiful face.
My Mom, Dad, sisters and best friend were all in the room as we loved on our precious Desi. It's really hard to say goodbye when you haven't even had the chance to say hello. She was the little girl I had always dreamed of, but this wasn't the way my dream ended. We held her for a few hours but sheer exhaustion forced me to call the nurse to come and get her.
I regret not holding her longer. Not holding her until the nurses came in and forced me to let go. It still wasn't quite computing that I would never have the opportunity again. I try not to think of this regret often because there is no point. I cannot go back in time and I had no idea what to do at the moment. I had never researched "what to do if your baby is stillborn". That is typically a topic that most expectant moms avoid like the plague.
I am thankful for the short amount of time that I did have with her and the few pictures that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I will see her again some day. I have so much faith that I will see her again and she will be happy and playing and showing me around heaven. I long for that day when I can hold her and kiss her again.
I found this quote on another blog and it brought a smile to my face, "Most people only dream of angels, but I held one in my arms!" I love you angel!
Because my body was not ready to go into labor yet, I was given a medication to help start the process before they gave me the pitocin. The medicine took 12 hours to be fully effective so we stayed the night at the hospital. At 7:00 a.m. Tuesday morning they began the pitocin which sent me into full blown labor very quickly. After a difficult 12 hours of laboring and grieving simultaneously, our princess made her grand debut at approximately 7:00 p.m. on August 2, 2011. Desi had passed away from an umbilical cord accident. I guess she had turned the same direction so many times that it caused a kink in her cord that shut off her whole life support from me.
She was absolutely perfect! 10 fingers, 10 toes and a head full of black hair. I was so relieved that labor was over that I think I smiled my first sincere smile in over 24 hours. I was still in shock that she was already gone. Labor doesn't mean as much when you aren't greeted with a crying baby. It was like my race was over with no gold medal at the finish line.
Derrick and I rested for about an hour before we asked the nurses to bring our baby girl in. They brought her in the room with the blanket covering her. I can understand others not wanting to see a dead baby as they walk down the hall to get ice or head to the elevator. As soon as they pulled the blanket away I saw the most beautiful baby girl. She looked just like Davin when he was born.
I almost couldn't even find tears. I knew that I would only have a few moments with her in this lifetime and I didn't want to be a blubbering crazy person while I had her in my arms. I wanted to enjoy every second that I had to hold her and look at her beautiful face.
My Mom, Dad, sisters and best friend were all in the room as we loved on our precious Desi. It's really hard to say goodbye when you haven't even had the chance to say hello. She was the little girl I had always dreamed of, but this wasn't the way my dream ended. We held her for a few hours but sheer exhaustion forced me to call the nurse to come and get her.
I regret not holding her longer. Not holding her until the nurses came in and forced me to let go. It still wasn't quite computing that I would never have the opportunity again. I try not to think of this regret often because there is no point. I cannot go back in time and I had no idea what to do at the moment. I had never researched "what to do if your baby is stillborn". That is typically a topic that most expectant moms avoid like the plague.
I am thankful for the short amount of time that I did have with her and the few pictures that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I will see her again some day. I have so much faith that I will see her again and she will be happy and playing and showing me around heaven. I long for that day when I can hold her and kiss her again.
I found this quote on another blog and it brought a smile to my face, "Most people only dream of angels, but I held one in my arms!" I love you angel!
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| Desi Elise Rodgers Went to be with Jesus August 2, 2011 |
Sunday, September 11, 2011
The day my world stood still
August 1st, 2011 was like most Mondays. I got up early and headed off to work. Derrick had the day off so he and Davin were going to hang out. Desi had been moving crazy the day before but today was pretty still. This wasn't too unusual since she usually didn't start moving until around lunchtime.
Derrick and I met up for lunch and I had mentioned that I was a little concerned that Desi wasn't moving. He said that it probably was nothing but told me to call the doctor when I got back to the office. After lunch I went back to the office and drank a really cold water and ate a piece of chocolate, a trick I learned the last time that she was unusually still. But this time, nothing happened.
She didn't move. It was strangely still this time. I called my doctor and he told me to go straight to the hospital. This was around 3:00 p.m. Derrick met me at the hospital and my mom followed me up there so that she could take Davin. I told her we would meet her at her house in a few hours, expecting that this would just be a false alarm.
The nurse ushered us into a little room that had three beds. I could hear the people next to us through the curtains. My heart was beating really fast and I was shaking. The nurse put the heart monitor up to my belly and was having a really hard time finding the heartbeat. My doctor had never had a hard time finding the heartbeat before.
They thought they had found the heartbeat but it turned out to be my own. My heart was racing so fast that it mimicked what her heartbeat should be. About 5 minutes later they brought in the ultrasound technician followed by my doctor. I thought that was strange since they kept reassuring me everything was fine and he worked down the road from the hospital. I tried to be very still as they looked at her but I just wanted to break down in tears. The technician scanned my belly over and over only to look at my doctor in complete horror. With tears in my eyes I looked to him just knowing what he was going to say.
"We cannot find a heartbeat".
I screamed and did not care that there were people in the beds next to us. I screamed as they rolled me through the hallway to our room. Everything after that was a whirlwind; a blur of decisions and complete shock.
My precious Desi was gone. All my hopes and dreams for my little princess were gone. She had been kicking the day before and now nothing!
My worst nightmare came true on August 1st, 2011. I would never feel her kick or move inside of me again. Everything was just still....
Derrick and I met up for lunch and I had mentioned that I was a little concerned that Desi wasn't moving. He said that it probably was nothing but told me to call the doctor when I got back to the office. After lunch I went back to the office and drank a really cold water and ate a piece of chocolate, a trick I learned the last time that she was unusually still. But this time, nothing happened.
She didn't move. It was strangely still this time. I called my doctor and he told me to go straight to the hospital. This was around 3:00 p.m. Derrick met me at the hospital and my mom followed me up there so that she could take Davin. I told her we would meet her at her house in a few hours, expecting that this would just be a false alarm.
The nurse ushered us into a little room that had three beds. I could hear the people next to us through the curtains. My heart was beating really fast and I was shaking. The nurse put the heart monitor up to my belly and was having a really hard time finding the heartbeat. My doctor had never had a hard time finding the heartbeat before.
They thought they had found the heartbeat but it turned out to be my own. My heart was racing so fast that it mimicked what her heartbeat should be. About 5 minutes later they brought in the ultrasound technician followed by my doctor. I thought that was strange since they kept reassuring me everything was fine and he worked down the road from the hospital. I tried to be very still as they looked at her but I just wanted to break down in tears. The technician scanned my belly over and over only to look at my doctor in complete horror. With tears in my eyes I looked to him just knowing what he was going to say.
"We cannot find a heartbeat".
I screamed and did not care that there were people in the beds next to us. I screamed as they rolled me through the hallway to our room. Everything after that was a whirlwind; a blur of decisions and complete shock.
My precious Desi was gone. All my hopes and dreams for my little princess were gone. She had been kicking the day before and now nothing!
My worst nightmare came true on August 1st, 2011. I would never feel her kick or move inside of me again. Everything was just still....
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Let's take it from the top...
January of 2011 Derrick and I were blessed with a huge surprise! We had not been trying to get pregnant, which seemed to be a theme for us, but there we were with a pregnancy test in hand. We were absolutely thrilled to be pregnant again! We wanted to give Davin a little brother or sister so badly.
Because of our miscarriage in 2009, I began this pregnancy with fear and anxiety. I knew that until we were past the first 12 weeks I would not relax or really be able to enjoy the pregnancy. At 16 weeks pregnant my doctor decided to check the sex of the baby. Going into that appointment I was preparing for him to say "It's a boy"! Boys run rampant in the Rodgers family!
So there I was just waiting for confirmation that we would be welcoming another boy to our family, making me way outnumbered, when our doctor uttered three words I never thought I would hear..."It's a girl"! A girl!!! I have always wanted a little girl!
Carrying my little princess in my tummy was such a joyous experience. I couldn't wait for her to be here so that I could spoil her. I wanted a shopping buddy, my partner in crime! I dreamed of the bows and dresses, of taking her to her first dance class, helping her get ready for prom and seeing her walk down the aisle. It's funny how mothers start thinking about their children's future from the second they find out they are expecting.
It wouldn't be long until all of my hopes and dreams for Desi would be completely stripped away.
Because of our miscarriage in 2009, I began this pregnancy with fear and anxiety. I knew that until we were past the first 12 weeks I would not relax or really be able to enjoy the pregnancy. At 16 weeks pregnant my doctor decided to check the sex of the baby. Going into that appointment I was preparing for him to say "It's a boy"! Boys run rampant in the Rodgers family!
So there I was just waiting for confirmation that we would be welcoming another boy to our family, making me way outnumbered, when our doctor uttered three words I never thought I would hear..."It's a girl"! A girl!!! I have always wanted a little girl!
Carrying my little princess in my tummy was such a joyous experience. I couldn't wait for her to be here so that I could spoil her. I wanted a shopping buddy, my partner in crime! I dreamed of the bows and dresses, of taking her to her first dance class, helping her get ready for prom and seeing her walk down the aisle. It's funny how mothers start thinking about their children's future from the second they find out they are expecting.
It wouldn't be long until all of my hopes and dreams for Desi would be completely stripped away.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Why am I blogging, you ask
I know that I am asking myself that same question. I never thought of myself as much of a blogger. I've always admired those who blog...throwing out your ideas, beliefs and life for the entire world to view.
So why am I blogging? About six weeks ago I suffered one of the greatest tragedies for a mom. At 8 months pregnant, I suddenly found out that I had lost my baby girl, Desi Elise. I will go in to all the details in later posts but the past few days I have been feeling this tug on my heart from God to get it all out. All of the grief, pain and frustrations. And I felt that he was calling me to blog about it.
This is a safe place for me to share my experiences, mainly for my own healing, but also as a place for friends and family to keep up with what is going on. I am so good at putting on a strong face for the world but inside I am dying. I don't want people to pity me, I just want everyone to know where I am emotionally and that I am not as strong as I appear on the outside.
I also hope that this blog can help encourage the all too many mothers who know and share this pain and grief with me. If this blog can encourage one other mother, or make her feel a little more normal, then it is well worth putting my own grief down in written form.
I hope that you will all bear with me through this crazy ride. I have good days and bad but I will always be honest with how I am feeling at that moment and hope that God will continue to work in my heart to bring something beautiful out of these ashes.
Please pray for me and my family as we continue on this dark journey of our lives. Prayers, support and kind words are what we really need now!
And so begins Desi's Song...
So why am I blogging? About six weeks ago I suffered one of the greatest tragedies for a mom. At 8 months pregnant, I suddenly found out that I had lost my baby girl, Desi Elise. I will go in to all the details in later posts but the past few days I have been feeling this tug on my heart from God to get it all out. All of the grief, pain and frustrations. And I felt that he was calling me to blog about it.
This is a safe place for me to share my experiences, mainly for my own healing, but also as a place for friends and family to keep up with what is going on. I am so good at putting on a strong face for the world but inside I am dying. I don't want people to pity me, I just want everyone to know where I am emotionally and that I am not as strong as I appear on the outside.
I also hope that this blog can help encourage the all too many mothers who know and share this pain and grief with me. If this blog can encourage one other mother, or make her feel a little more normal, then it is well worth putting my own grief down in written form.
I hope that you will all bear with me through this crazy ride. I have good days and bad but I will always be honest with how I am feeling at that moment and hope that God will continue to work in my heart to bring something beautiful out of these ashes.
Please pray for me and my family as we continue on this dark journey of our lives. Prayers, support and kind words are what we really need now!
And so begins Desi's Song...
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