October 15th - Remembering our babies

I recently found out about October 15th.  This day is recognized as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  On this day, everyone is asked to light a candle at 7:00 p.m. and let it burn for one hour in remembrance of all the precious babies that left this world too soon.

October 15th also happens to be the day that we lost our second child through miscarriage.  I have a lot of mixed emotions about this loss.  I honestly did not truly grieve losing our second child until I became pregnant with Desi.  Instead of enjoying my third pregnancy, I was struck with such fear.  Fear of losing another baby and guilt that I had not allowed myself to think of that child very much.

I now think of Baby D quite often.  It is a different type of loss because very few people knew we were pregnant, I didn't have a name or nursery and we didn't even know if we were having a boy or a girl.  Our loss happened when I was 13 weeks pregnant.  We went in for our first ultrasound and there was no heartbeat but the baby measured the size of an 11 week fetus.  That baby was living even if I never felt it move.

However, the loss of Desi has a totally different meaning to me.  We had a name, a nursery, clothes, and plans for our little princess.  My life has been forever changed and my heart is missing a huge piece.

I love both of my babies so very much and I cannot wait to see them again.  Until then, like most of the babylost community, I will cling to these amazing days that are dedicated to our loss.  October 15th is a day for all of us to make it known that we have lost our children and not have to be afraid of who is uncomfortable.

I think that is the hardest part of where I am in my grief right now.  People can sit around and talk about cancer, diseases and death, but very few are comfortable talking about a baby dying.  It is something that no mother wants to acknowledge until it happens to them.  I know that is how I was until all of this happened.  I avoided people who I knew had experienced a baby loss because I was uncomfortable.

I know that the we have come a long way as far as acknowledging these little lives but I think we have a lot farther to go.  I am so tired of people looking at me with nothing but pity.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  If you are sad for my loss you should give me a hug, let me see you cry or listen to me when I need so badly to get things out.

Please do not be scared to ask me about Desi.  I love to hear her name and talk about what I have experienced and I would love to help others understand this experience in case, heaven forbid, you should know someone who has to join this babylost "club".

Thank you to everyone who participated in Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and I hope that more will join us next year as we light our candles in remembrance.  I know that remembering my babies makes me feel better, but I love it even more when others remember and acknowledge them.

Candlelight Service for Desi & Baby Rodgers