I have been absent from my blog for the past couple of weeks, mainly because I do not know what to say. I do not know what I feel, except sad. I find myself a lot less excited about events that I would normally get excited over. Don't get me wrong, I still love to see Davin's little face light up when he sees Christmas lights and presents under the tree. It's just that with every wonderful experience with him, I am reminded that Desi is not here and we will never make any memories with her.
I cried when I put up her only Christmas ornament and when I see the cute little Christmas dresses. I cried when I walked into my Mom and Dad's and there was no stocking hanging up for her. I do not expect them to get her a stocking, but she was supposed to be here. She was supposed to have a stocking with her name on it and tons of little goodies spilling out of it.
She was supposed to be here, but instead she spends her first Christmas with Jesus. I am so happy that all she will ever know is comfort, peace and safety. But all I want for Christmas is my little Desi. All I want is to hold her in my arms, feed her a bottle and sing her a Christmas carol as I rock her to sleep.
Why did my beautiful, perfectly healthy baby girl have to go? Why did she have to die? I do not expect an answer to these questions, but this is what is on my heart today. There is a lot of grief mixed into the happiness of the season and "happy" moments do not excite me like they used to. Maybe one day I will return to my old self who gets excited over good news or upset over bad news, but right now I am just numb.
I miss my baby Desi and words do not seem to come to mind. The truest way I can express this grief is through tears. Words just aren't as productive as a good cry.
Thou countest my wanderings, put my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?
ReplyDeletePraying for you and family.
Love
Brenda
There are times when God's ways only make us more confused. There, I've said it. I've been wanting to say that all this chapter, and I finally worked up the courage. My point? Don't expect to understand everything that happens when it occurs.
ReplyDeleteI don't care if you have a Ph.D. you earned at Yale or in Scotland. Just stand in front of the mirror, all alone, nobody around, shrug, and say, "I don't know . . . I really don't know." You can add, "I can't tell you why that happened. I don't know." Repeat the words several times: "I don't know."
The great news is that God never shrugs. He never says that. With acute perception He says, "I know exactly why this happened. I know the way you take. I know why. I know how long you'll be there, and I know what will be the end result." Shrugging and deity are incompatible.
While you're shrugging in genuine humility, saying, "I don't know," He's saying, "Good for you. Rely on Me in the mystery. Trust Me." God never promised He would inform us all about His plan ahead of time; He's just promised He has one. Ultimately, it's for our good and His glory. He knows---we don't. That's why we shrug and admit, "I don't know." So, if you and I meet someday and you ask me a deep, difficult question, don't be surprised if I shrug and say, "I don't know."
But I do know this: The death of His Son was not in vain; Christ died for you; and if you believe in Him, He will forgive your sins, and you will go to live with Him forever. You'll have heaven and all the blessings of it, I do know that.
It's a tough journey, getting there. Full of confusion, struggle, shrugs, followed by a lot of "I don't knows." But when the heavens open and we're there, hey, there will be no more shrugs, and you'll be able to say, "Now I know!"
your anonymous girlfriend
Love you and your family and keep Praying for U my dear stay still.....
Sometimes when I'm at my prayer group on Wednesday's nights, someone in the group has a concern they want to lift up but they just don't know how to say it. Instead their prayer goes something like this.
ReplyDeleteFather,
you know I'm concerned and want to lift them up to you but I just don't know the right words. I don't know everything that is going on with them just that they need you, Lord. You know what is on my heart and what needs to done. Please do whatever it is you have to do for them to have peace, contentment, and joy again.
This is what I pray for you. For God to do whatever it is he has to do to give you peace of heart and mind, contentment and joy again.
Love you much,
Rita