I have been absent from my blog for the past couple of weeks, mainly because I do not know what to say. I do not know what I feel, except sad. I find myself a lot less excited about events that I would normally get excited over. Don't get me wrong, I still love to see Davin's little face light up when he sees Christmas lights and presents under the tree. It's just that with every wonderful experience with him, I am reminded that Desi is not here and we will never make any memories with her.
I cried when I put up her only Christmas ornament and when I see the cute little Christmas dresses. I cried when I walked into my Mom and Dad's and there was no stocking hanging up for her. I do not expect them to get her a stocking, but she was supposed to be here. She was supposed to have a stocking with her name on it and tons of little goodies spilling out of it.
She was supposed to be here, but instead she spends her first Christmas with Jesus. I am so happy that all she will ever know is comfort, peace and safety. But all I want for Christmas is my little Desi. All I want is to hold her in my arms, feed her a bottle and sing her a Christmas carol as I rock her to sleep.
Why did my beautiful, perfectly healthy baby girl have to go? Why did she have to die? I do not expect an answer to these questions, but this is what is on my heart today. There is a lot of grief mixed into the happiness of the season and "happy" moments do not excite me like they used to. Maybe one day I will return to my old self who gets excited over good news or upset over bad news, but right now I am just numb.
I miss my baby Desi and words do not seem to come to mind. The truest way I can express this grief is through tears. Words just aren't as productive as a good cry.
