The day my world stood still

August 1st, 2011 was like most Mondays.  I got up early and headed off to work.  Derrick had the day off so he and Davin were going to hang out. Desi had been moving crazy the day before but today was pretty still.  This wasn't too unusual since she usually didn't start moving until around lunchtime.

Derrick and I met up for lunch and I had mentioned that I was a little concerned that Desi wasn't moving.  He said that it probably was nothing but told me to call the doctor when I got back to the office.  After lunch I went back to the office and drank a really cold water and ate a piece of chocolate, a trick I learned the last time that she was unusually still.  But this time, nothing happened.

She didn't move.  It was strangely still this time.  I called my doctor and he told me to go straight to the hospital.  This was around 3:00 p.m.  Derrick met me at the hospital and my mom followed me up there so that she could take Davin.  I told her we would meet her at her house in a few hours, expecting that this would just be a false alarm.

The nurse ushered us into a little room that had three beds.  I could hear the people next to us through the curtains.  My heart was beating really fast and I was shaking.  The nurse put the heart monitor up to my belly and was having a really hard time finding the heartbeat.  My doctor had never had a hard time finding the heartbeat before. 

They thought they had found the heartbeat but it turned out to be my own.  My heart was racing so fast that it mimicked what her heartbeat should be.  About 5 minutes later they brought in the ultrasound technician followed by my doctor.  I thought that was strange since they kept reassuring me everything was fine and he worked down the road from the hospital.  I tried to be very still as they looked at her but I just wanted to break down in tears.  The technician scanned my belly over and over only to look at my doctor in complete horror.  With tears in my eyes I looked to him just knowing what he was going to say.

"We cannot find a heartbeat".

I screamed and did not care that there were people in the beds next to us.  I screamed as they rolled me through the hallway to our room.  Everything after that was a whirlwind; a blur of decisions and complete shock.

My precious Desi was gone.  All my hopes and dreams for my little princess were gone.  She had been kicking the day before and now nothing! 

My worst nightmare came true on August 1st, 2011.  I would never feel her kick or move inside of me again.  Everything was just still....