Isn't this supposed to get easier?

I am three months in to my "new normal" and let me tell you, there is nothing "normal" about it.  I know that this loss is going to be difficult but I feel like I've been having more bad days than good.  It must be the holidays coming up, or the fact that little by little, the shock is still wearing off.

I don't cry as much as I did in the beginning but when I do, it's so much deeper.  My grief is so much deeper.  Instead of crying many tears after looking at her pictures, all I have to do is think of her pretty face and I find myself on hands and knees in the middle of her nursery floor sobbing.  It's so hard to think about God's perfect plan when all I want is to have her in my arms.

Friends and family, please continue to pray for me.  Pray that God will comfort me on the hard days and that he will remove some of the disappointment that I have been experiencing.  I know that people have not forgotten my loss but it would be so nice to get a random email or phone call from some of the people who were there in the beginning.  Anything just to show that Desi is not forgotten and that I still have friends who make this loss a priority.  Grief doesn't end when you are three months into it.  For me, it feels like it is only the beginning.

Don't get me wrong, it is great to be on the top of someone's prayer list, but it's totally different when you hear from that person who has been praying for you.  I have leaned a lot about how I want to treat someone who has lost a loved one.  And it will happen, we will all lose loved ones at some point in time.  There have been a few people who have really been the hands and feet of Christ in my life.  They have reached out, even when their schedules are busy.  They have called, even when the subject may be uncomfortable.  They encourage me with scriptures, prayers and reassurance that they are there for me.

Thanks to all of the people who keep reaching out and for those who still read the blog.  I LOVE reading your comments and I know how much you love our family!  I am so blessed to have you in my life and you have kept me going.

I know that this frustration will pass.  Like I said, I think the fast approaching holidays are really messing with my emotions.  I am excited to see Davin open his gifts and he is overjoyed with thoughts of presents and Santa.  On the other hand, I wish I could skip it all together.  It's going to be a day filled with tears as I think about Christmas without Desi.  Thinking about the outfit she would have worn, the gifts she would have gotten and all the pictures we would have taken of the newest member of our family.

I am beginning to realize that this is going to get harder, before it gets easier.