What Could Have Been

Last night was a little rough for me.  I was cooking dinner, cleaning around the house and finishing up my Bible Study and I noticed that I was on edge.  I was annoyed with Davin and Derrick, but I couldn't figure out why.  Then as I was putting away laundry I just lost it.  I broke down right there in my laundry room.  It is amazing how this grief can creep  up on you.

About a month ago, I was driving alone in my car and found myself replaying the whole experience (like I do most days) and I remember asking myself, "what exactly am I grieving"?  Obviously losing a baby is a horrible experience, to say the least.  I grieve losing my precious Desi but I wasn't given a lot of time to get to know her.  Only eight short months, and four of those months I didn't even know she was a girl.

As I continued thinking about it, I realized that not only do I grieve the loss of Desi in a physical sense, I think I grieve more all of the things that I did not and will not get to experience with her.  I will never watch her take her first steps or drop her off for her first day of kindergarten.  I will never help her make a homecoming mum or shop for her wedding dress.  I will never get to make any memories with her; that is what I grieve the most.

It hit me as I was driving that day and I wondered if God grieves the same thing for us.  It was never His plan for us to feel pain, hurt, sadness or death.  It's no wonder why death feels so wrong.  It was never God's plan for us to experience death.  I am not sure if God grieves but I do wonder if he feels this same pain that I feel for Desi's life.  He wanted us to spend eternity with Him where we could worship Him and walk with Him.  He planned a life of joy and happiness for all of us.  Our sin has separated us from that life that He had planned, and I wonder if He is sad that our lives have to be full of loss and pain at times.

It brings me so much comfort to know that God truly understands me.  He also had to watch His Son die for us and I believe He grieves with me in my loss.  I think He grieves what could have been and what should have been for us.  I am so thankful for an understanding God.