Most people only dream of angels

After Derrick and I regrouped from the shocking news we immediately called our family.  Derrick's mom was in complete disbelief and all my mom could do was cry on the other end of the phone.  Together they helped spread the word to many of our friends and extended family that our little Desi had gone home to be with Jesus.

Because my body was not ready to go into labor yet, I was given a medication to help start the process before they gave me the pitocin.  The medicine took 12 hours to be fully effective so we stayed the night at the hospital.  At 7:00 a.m. Tuesday morning they began the pitocin which sent me into full blown labor very quickly.  After a difficult 12 hours of laboring and grieving simultaneously, our princess made her grand debut at approximately 7:00 p.m. on August 2, 2011. Desi had passed away from an umbilical cord accident.  I guess she had turned the same direction so many times that it caused a kink in her cord that shut off her whole life support from me.

She was absolutely perfect!  10 fingers, 10 toes and a head full of black hair.  I was so relieved that labor was over that I think I smiled my first sincere smile in over 24 hours.  I was still in shock that she was already gone.  Labor doesn't mean as much when you aren't greeted with a crying baby.  It was like my race was over with no gold medal at the finish line. 

Derrick and I rested for about an hour before we asked the nurses to bring our baby girl in.  They brought her in the room with the blanket covering her.  I can understand others not wanting to see a dead baby as they walk down the hall to get ice or head to the elevator.  As soon as they pulled the blanket away I saw the most beautiful baby girl.  She looked just like Davin when he was born.

I almost couldn't even find tears.  I knew that I would only have a few moments with her in this lifetime and I didn't want to be a blubbering crazy person while I had her in my arms.  I wanted to enjoy every second that I had to hold her and look at her beautiful face.

My Mom, Dad, sisters and best friend were all in the room as we loved on our precious Desi.  It's really hard to say goodbye when you haven't even had the chance to say hello.  She was the little girl I had always dreamed of, but this wasn't the way my dream ended.  We held her for a few hours but sheer exhaustion forced me to call the nurse to come and get her.

I regret not holding her longer.  Not holding her until the nurses came in and forced me to let go.  It still wasn't quite computing that I would never have the opportunity again.  I try not to think of this regret often because there is no point.  I cannot go back in time and I had no idea what to do at the moment.  I had never researched "what to do if your baby is stillborn".  That is typically a topic that most expectant moms avoid like the plague.

I am thankful for the short amount of time that I did have with her and the few pictures that I will cherish for the rest of my life.  I will see her again some day.  I have so much faith that I will see her again and she will be happy and playing and showing me around heaven.  I long for that day when I can hold her and kiss her again.

I found this quote on another blog and it brought a smile to my face, "Most people only dream of angels, but I held one in my arms!"  I love you angel!



Desi Elise Rodgers
Went to be with Jesus August 2, 2011