Pictures worth a thousand words

I just wanted to take a minute and say thank you to the people who gave me some of the best gifts ever!

Derrick's dad, Duane, came to the hospital shortly after Desi was born.  He was the only one to think of bringing a camera to take a few pictures of Derrick, Desi and me.  My family and I did not even think about a camera!  I was exhausted and honestly, I didn't think I would even want them.  I am so thankful that he thought to snap a few pictures of our princess and they are some of my favorites!  Thank you Pappaw Duane!

Pappaw Duane & his princess Desi

I also want to thank my Mom for taking pictures at Desi's funeral.  We were lucky enough to be able to see her in her casket.  I know that this was extremely difficult for my Mom...it's hard to take pictures when you're crying!  I love you so much Mom and Dad!  Here is one of the pictures that my Mom took and my best friend had touched up as a surprise for me on Desi's due date!

Our Little Cupie Doll, as Mom called her!

Thank you so much to all of our friends and family for your love, support, prayers and gifts!  We could not get through this without each and every one of you!!

With Love from Dallas

All of Texas was sending their love to Desi!  Here are pictures from my best friend, Dori, and her precious baby Ellie!  They did their own balloon release from Dallas.  We love you Dori, Colton and Ellie!!

Dori & Ellie releasing their balloons along with a note for Desi!

There they go!

The Much Anticipated Due Date

September 21st, 2011 was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life.  This is the day that we were supposed to be having our baby girl, Desi.  In all honesty, I was kind of hoping she would come sooner since my Doctor estimated that she would weigh about 10 pounds!  Even so, September 21st marked the end of my pregnancy and the beginning of my life with Desi!

After losing Desi though, September 21st had turned into a day that I wanted to avoid.  I am learning that these little milestones are the hardest...the first month after she passed, her due date, our first Christmas, etc.  These dates that would normally bring me so much joy have now taken on a whole new meaning.  They are painful days that I sometimes wish I could just sleep through and not have to live through.

Since I know that I will have to face my pain and grief head on in order to get through this, I decided to do something really special for Desi on what would have been her due date.  Mom, Dad, Brianne, Davin and I picked up pink balloons and released them at her grave.

There was an extra surprise this time because her headstone had finally come in.  This caused mixed emotions for me.  It was pretty devastating to see her name in stone.  It made all of this so much more real and I spent several minutes balling and running my fingers over her name.  On the other hand, seeing her name brought me a lot of joy.  From now on, when people visit that place they will see the name Desi Elise Rodgers.  She was a person, she was real and she is so very loved.  She has a place in this world even if she never took her first breath.  She had an impact in the lives of our family and friends and she will never be forgotten.  I love to see her name and hear her name...it brings me so much joy that her life is acknowledged.

Davin and I released 14 balloons for little Desi.  One balloon that said "Baby Girl", one Mickey Mouse balloon that Davin picked out and a dozen pink balloons.  On each of the pink balloons I listed all of the things that I was looking forward to on our due date.

Here is the list that I came up with:
1) Smelling your sweet new baby scent
2) Hearing your first cry
3) Watching you and Davin interact
4) Seeing you open your eyes for the first time
5) Watching you sleep
6) Feeding you your first bottle
7) Watching your Daddy love on you
8) Introducing you to friends and family
9) Snuggling you in a soft blanket
10) Putting a bow in your hair
11) Holding you for hours
12) Kissing you from head to toe

It's crazy to think that the list above are all things that I probably would have taken for granted.  I would have been thankful for her being healthy but I wouldn't have really truly been grateful for all of these blessings.  Having children is a true gift from God.  Of course we get frustrated at times but I know that my outlook on these everyday blessings has changed forever.

My little Desi, how I longed for September 21st.  I couldn't wait to have you in my arms and kiss you.  I know that you are in heaven and that your kisses now come from God.  We miss you so very much here and cannot wait for the day that we can see you again.  I hope that you loved your balloons!  Davin picked out the Mickey Mouse balloon...Mickey Mouse is driving a car.  Davin was so looking forward to teaching you how to drive his little cars.  We love you and miss you everyday!  Until I see you again, you will always have a piece of my heart.  Love - Mommy

Look at all those balloons!!

Davin sending up Mickey Mouse

Pappaw send his love

Davin released Nonna's kisses for Desi

Auntie releases her balloons with a special note to Desi

Releasing our last balloon for Desi

Up, up and away!

Desi's headstone and new floral arrangement from Mommy, Daddy & Davin

The Most Beautiful Rose

Last week I started reading a really great book called "A Symphony in the Dark" by Barbara Rainey and Rebecca Rainey Mutz.  It is an incredible story of a family that also lost their baby girl and their journey seeking God in the midst of the pain.  I highly recommend it if you like to cry like a baby while reading!  It was kind of hard to read through the tears!

Anyway, in the book was this story by Charles Spurgeon and it really put a lot of things in perspective for me.

"The Master Comes"
Suppose you are a gardener employed by another; it is not your garden but you are called upon to tend it...You come one morning into the garden, and you find that the best rose has been taken away.  You are angry; you go to your fellow servants, and charge them with having taken the rose.  They will declare that they had nothing at all to do with it; and one says, 'I saw the master walking here this morning; I think he took it'.  Is the gardener angry then?  No, at once he says, 'I am happy that my rose should have been so fair as to attract the attention of the master.  It is his own: he hath taken it; let him do what seemeth him good.'

I really love this story.  It reminds me that Desi was never truly "mine".  She is God's daughter before she is mine.  I was entrusted to take care of her for the short amount of time that she was on this Earth but God decided to take her home to be with Him.  Who am I to question His perfect plan?

Don't get me wrong, I ask "why" all of the time but I do not expect to get an answer in this lifetime.  Even when I get to heaven, I don't think I will ask God why He took her.  It will not matter because I will get to spend eternity with her!  What a wonderful day that will be to have her in my arms again!!

Desi was one of the most beautiful roses in the garden and God wanted her with Him.  God is so much more real to me now, even in these dark days of grief and heartbreak.  I can honestly say that it took losing her to truly find Him. 
 

Names in the Sand

This is just a really quick post that I just had to share.

Earlier this week I put Desi's name on the waiting list to have her name written in the sand.  I know it sounds crazy, but a fellow Mom from Australia who lost her baby several years ago does this as part of her ministry.  She lives within driving distance to a beautiful beach in Australia and will write the names in the sand every night!

I cannot imagine sacrificing every night so that I could bring a little hope or encouragement to other grieving families.

Below is the link to her site with Desi's name.  The sunset is absolutely beautiful!  I actually prayed that God would have the sunset be purple and pink, since they are such girly colors.  And guess what, he answered that prayer even though it was so silly!

This is one more piece of her that I will cherish.  Not many people can say that their name was written on one of the most beautiful beaches halfway across the world!  I love you Desi!

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2011/09/desi-elise-rodgers.html

Most people only dream of angels

After Derrick and I regrouped from the shocking news we immediately called our family.  Derrick's mom was in complete disbelief and all my mom could do was cry on the other end of the phone.  Together they helped spread the word to many of our friends and extended family that our little Desi had gone home to be with Jesus.

Because my body was not ready to go into labor yet, I was given a medication to help start the process before they gave me the pitocin.  The medicine took 12 hours to be fully effective so we stayed the night at the hospital.  At 7:00 a.m. Tuesday morning they began the pitocin which sent me into full blown labor very quickly.  After a difficult 12 hours of laboring and grieving simultaneously, our princess made her grand debut at approximately 7:00 p.m. on August 2, 2011. Desi had passed away from an umbilical cord accident.  I guess she had turned the same direction so many times that it caused a kink in her cord that shut off her whole life support from me.

She was absolutely perfect!  10 fingers, 10 toes and a head full of black hair.  I was so relieved that labor was over that I think I smiled my first sincere smile in over 24 hours.  I was still in shock that she was already gone.  Labor doesn't mean as much when you aren't greeted with a crying baby.  It was like my race was over with no gold medal at the finish line. 

Derrick and I rested for about an hour before we asked the nurses to bring our baby girl in.  They brought her in the room with the blanket covering her.  I can understand others not wanting to see a dead baby as they walk down the hall to get ice or head to the elevator.  As soon as they pulled the blanket away I saw the most beautiful baby girl.  She looked just like Davin when he was born.

I almost couldn't even find tears.  I knew that I would only have a few moments with her in this lifetime and I didn't want to be a blubbering crazy person while I had her in my arms.  I wanted to enjoy every second that I had to hold her and look at her beautiful face.

My Mom, Dad, sisters and best friend were all in the room as we loved on our precious Desi.  It's really hard to say goodbye when you haven't even had the chance to say hello.  She was the little girl I had always dreamed of, but this wasn't the way my dream ended.  We held her for a few hours but sheer exhaustion forced me to call the nurse to come and get her.

I regret not holding her longer.  Not holding her until the nurses came in and forced me to let go.  It still wasn't quite computing that I would never have the opportunity again.  I try not to think of this regret often because there is no point.  I cannot go back in time and I had no idea what to do at the moment.  I had never researched "what to do if your baby is stillborn".  That is typically a topic that most expectant moms avoid like the plague.

I am thankful for the short amount of time that I did have with her and the few pictures that I will cherish for the rest of my life.  I will see her again some day.  I have so much faith that I will see her again and she will be happy and playing and showing me around heaven.  I long for that day when I can hold her and kiss her again.

I found this quote on another blog and it brought a smile to my face, "Most people only dream of angels, but I held one in my arms!"  I love you angel!



Desi Elise Rodgers
Went to be with Jesus August 2, 2011



The day my world stood still

August 1st, 2011 was like most Mondays.  I got up early and headed off to work.  Derrick had the day off so he and Davin were going to hang out. Desi had been moving crazy the day before but today was pretty still.  This wasn't too unusual since she usually didn't start moving until around lunchtime.

Derrick and I met up for lunch and I had mentioned that I was a little concerned that Desi wasn't moving.  He said that it probably was nothing but told me to call the doctor when I got back to the office.  After lunch I went back to the office and drank a really cold water and ate a piece of chocolate, a trick I learned the last time that she was unusually still.  But this time, nothing happened.

She didn't move.  It was strangely still this time.  I called my doctor and he told me to go straight to the hospital.  This was around 3:00 p.m.  Derrick met me at the hospital and my mom followed me up there so that she could take Davin.  I told her we would meet her at her house in a few hours, expecting that this would just be a false alarm.

The nurse ushered us into a little room that had three beds.  I could hear the people next to us through the curtains.  My heart was beating really fast and I was shaking.  The nurse put the heart monitor up to my belly and was having a really hard time finding the heartbeat.  My doctor had never had a hard time finding the heartbeat before. 

They thought they had found the heartbeat but it turned out to be my own.  My heart was racing so fast that it mimicked what her heartbeat should be.  About 5 minutes later they brought in the ultrasound technician followed by my doctor.  I thought that was strange since they kept reassuring me everything was fine and he worked down the road from the hospital.  I tried to be very still as they looked at her but I just wanted to break down in tears.  The technician scanned my belly over and over only to look at my doctor in complete horror.  With tears in my eyes I looked to him just knowing what he was going to say.

"We cannot find a heartbeat".

I screamed and did not care that there were people in the beds next to us.  I screamed as they rolled me through the hallway to our room.  Everything after that was a whirlwind; a blur of decisions and complete shock.

My precious Desi was gone.  All my hopes and dreams for my little princess were gone.  She had been kicking the day before and now nothing! 

My worst nightmare came true on August 1st, 2011.  I would never feel her kick or move inside of me again.  Everything was just still....

Let's take it from the top...

January of 2011 Derrick and I were blessed with a huge surprise!  We had not been trying to get pregnant, which seemed to be a theme for us, but there we were with a pregnancy test in hand.  We were absolutely thrilled to be pregnant again!  We wanted to give Davin a little brother or sister so badly. 

Because of our miscarriage in 2009, I began this pregnancy with fear and anxiety.  I knew that until we were past the first 12 weeks I would not relax or really be able to enjoy the pregnancy.  At 16 weeks pregnant my doctor decided to check the sex of the baby.  Going into that appointment I was preparing for him to say "It's a boy"!  Boys run rampant in the Rodgers family!

So there I was just waiting for confirmation that we would be welcoming another boy to our family, making me way outnumbered, when our doctor uttered three words I never thought I would hear..."It's a girl"! A girl!!!  I have always wanted a little girl!

Carrying my little princess in my tummy was such a joyous experience.  I couldn't wait for her to be here so that I could spoil her.  I wanted a shopping buddy, my partner in crime!  I dreamed of the bows and dresses, of taking her to her first dance class, helping her get ready for prom and seeing her walk down the aisle.  It's funny how mothers start thinking about their children's future from the second they find out they are expecting.

It wouldn't be long until all of my hopes and dreams for Desi would be completely stripped away.

Why am I blogging, you ask

I know that I am asking myself that same question.  I never thought of myself as much of a blogger.  I've always admired those who blog...throwing out your ideas, beliefs and life for the entire world to view.

So why am I blogging?  About six weeks ago I suffered one of the greatest tragedies for a mom.  At 8 months pregnant, I suddenly found out that I had lost my baby girl, Desi Elise.  I will go in to all the details in later posts but the past few days I have been feeling this tug on my heart from God to get it all out.  All of the grief, pain and frustrations.  And I felt that he was calling me to blog about it. 

This is a safe place for me to share my experiences, mainly for my own healing, but also as a place for friends and family to keep up with what is going on.  I am so good at putting on a strong face for the world but inside I am dying.  I don't want people to pity me, I just want everyone to know where I am emotionally and that I am not as strong as I appear on the outside.

I also hope that this blog can help encourage the all too many mothers who know and share this pain and grief with me.  If this blog can encourage one other mother, or make her feel a little more normal, then it is well worth putting my own grief down in written form.

I hope that you will all bear with me through this crazy ride.  I have good days and bad but I will always be honest with how I am feeling at that moment and hope that God will continue to work in my heart to bring something beautiful out of these ashes.

Please pray for me and my family as we continue on this dark journey of our lives.  Prayers, support and kind words are what we really need now!

And so begins Desi's Song...