The Much Anticipated Due Date

September 21st, 2011 was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life.  This is the day that we were supposed to be having our baby girl, Desi.  In all honesty, I was kind of hoping she would come sooner since my Doctor estimated that she would weigh about 10 pounds!  Even so, September 21st marked the end of my pregnancy and the beginning of my life with Desi!

After losing Desi though, September 21st had turned into a day that I wanted to avoid.  I am learning that these little milestones are the hardest...the first month after she passed, her due date, our first Christmas, etc.  These dates that would normally bring me so much joy have now taken on a whole new meaning.  They are painful days that I sometimes wish I could just sleep through and not have to live through.

Since I know that I will have to face my pain and grief head on in order to get through this, I decided to do something really special for Desi on what would have been her due date.  Mom, Dad, Brianne, Davin and I picked up pink balloons and released them at her grave.

There was an extra surprise this time because her headstone had finally come in.  This caused mixed emotions for me.  It was pretty devastating to see her name in stone.  It made all of this so much more real and I spent several minutes balling and running my fingers over her name.  On the other hand, seeing her name brought me a lot of joy.  From now on, when people visit that place they will see the name Desi Elise Rodgers.  She was a person, she was real and she is so very loved.  She has a place in this world even if she never took her first breath.  She had an impact in the lives of our family and friends and she will never be forgotten.  I love to see her name and hear her name...it brings me so much joy that her life is acknowledged.

Davin and I released 14 balloons for little Desi.  One balloon that said "Baby Girl", one Mickey Mouse balloon that Davin picked out and a dozen pink balloons.  On each of the pink balloons I listed all of the things that I was looking forward to on our due date.

Here is the list that I came up with:
1) Smelling your sweet new baby scent
2) Hearing your first cry
3) Watching you and Davin interact
4) Seeing you open your eyes for the first time
5) Watching you sleep
6) Feeding you your first bottle
7) Watching your Daddy love on you
8) Introducing you to friends and family
9) Snuggling you in a soft blanket
10) Putting a bow in your hair
11) Holding you for hours
12) Kissing you from head to toe

It's crazy to think that the list above are all things that I probably would have taken for granted.  I would have been thankful for her being healthy but I wouldn't have really truly been grateful for all of these blessings.  Having children is a true gift from God.  Of course we get frustrated at times but I know that my outlook on these everyday blessings has changed forever.

My little Desi, how I longed for September 21st.  I couldn't wait to have you in my arms and kiss you.  I know that you are in heaven and that your kisses now come from God.  We miss you so very much here and cannot wait for the day that we can see you again.  I hope that you loved your balloons!  Davin picked out the Mickey Mouse balloon...Mickey Mouse is driving a car.  Davin was so looking forward to teaching you how to drive his little cars.  We love you and miss you everyday!  Until I see you again, you will always have a piece of my heart.  Love - Mommy

Look at all those balloons!!

Davin sending up Mickey Mouse

Pappaw send his love

Davin released Nonna's kisses for Desi

Auntie releases her balloons with a special note to Desi

Releasing our last balloon for Desi

Up, up and away!

Desi's headstone and new floral arrangement from Mommy, Daddy & Davin