So two days ago I had my first mini-meltdown with little Delayne.  On Tuesday morning I felt her kick a few times, but like her sister, she is not very active in the mornings.  I felt her move around 9:00 a.m. but we were approaching 10:30 a.m. and I was FREAKING out!  I am usually really good about internalizing it and not letting it show but Tuesday was different.  It's like I had flashbacked to August 1st of last year and I panicked. 

I drank a cold water and nothing happened.  So instead of sobbing at my desk in absolute fear, I went out in our shop and drank a cold coke.  Sip after sip there was nothing.  With every passing second I could feel the room closing in with no movement coming from my belly.  About that time my Dad walked out into the shop and I just lost it!  Fear, panic and grief all came flooding to the surface.  My Dad, of course, started to panic and I had to tell him that this is a daily fight for me.  I battle the fear and anxiety everyday - usually not in such a public way.  I assured my Dad that everything was fine and that I was just in panic mode and sure enough, 10 minutes later she started kicking away. 

It really made me think about how different this pregnancy is.  I can honestly say that I live kick to kick, never taking the next one for granted.  I know what it's like to not have a "next kick".  It is a constant struggle to give it over to God.  When I get scared, all I can do is pray.  Pray that God is wrapping his arms of safety around little Delayne.  My prayers also end up sounding more like pleading some times - pleading that He will not allow anymore babies to be taken away and that I will get to hold this living, breathing baby in a few short months.  Even more than that, I always pray that I will get to watch my babies grow old, get married and have children of their own one day.  I don't assume that it will happen anymore because it isn't a guarantee.

In addition to giving over these fears, it's really hard for me to think about Delayne's future.  With Davin and Desi, I remember picturing them on their first day of kindergarten or the day that they would graduate high school or their wedding day.  With Delayne, I can only picture the day that she is born.  That's as far as my mind will let me get.  I'm sure this is just my mind's way of going into defense mode and as soon as she is here I will mentally picture her prom night and her first day of gymnastics class.  But for now, I can only picture delivering her and holding her until they make me give her up for her first bath.  I cannot wait for that day!

Another thing that I have found myself thinking about is what I would do if she passed away too.  Don't worry - I haven't picked out caskets and headstones but I think this is just part of my "new normal".  I try very hard not to think about the details but it's hard to bury a baby and not mentally prepare yourself for it to happen again.  What happened to Desi was a freak accident and I know I have a better chance of being struck by lightning than it happening again.  But, it is something that I have experienced and I cannot help but try to prepare myself for if it happens again.

On a happier note, I am way more prepared for little Delayne than I was with Desi in terms of the "fun stuff"!  When we lost Desi at 33 weeks pregnant, her nursery was not even close to being done.  We still have 4 months until Delayne makes her arrival and her nursery is pretty much done and she has a closet full of clothes, bows and shoes!  It makes me so happy to walk into her room!  With Desi, something always held me back from buying her clothes and bows.  I now know it was because we were going to lose her and God knew that I could not have faced all of her pretty things after she passed away.  With Delayne, I am enjoying the shopping and maybe in the back of my mind it's my way of telling Satan - "You aren't going to take my excitement about little Delayne!".  I refuse to let him have any of my joy.  He does a good job of planting seeds of fear and doubt in my head but I can overcome that with prayers and a sweet little dress for my princess! 

Please continue to pray for our family and this little life inside me.  Desi's one year anniversary is fast approaching and I find myself in tears at the drop of a hat.  I have so much excitement for the arrival of Delayne but I am also still grieving my sweet Desi.  It's a complicated web of emotions that I have to continue to embrace as part of this "new normal".

Love - Meagan