Monday, August 13, 2012

One Year Later

So it has officially been one year since we last saw our precious Desi.  The past couple of weeks have been really rough, but like every milestone, I am glad that I faced it head on instead of hiding from my emotions and fears.

August 2, 2011 changed my life forever.  That is the day that I gave birth to our sweet baby girl and the day that is listed on her headstone.  August 2nd, 2011 was filled with a lot of emotions and pains of childbirth.  A birth that I would not get to enjoy.  There was no bundle of joy to take home or dress or play with.  There was no introduction of our newest member to Davin.  There was no hope or joy on that day.  There was a lot of pain, physical and emotional. 

August 2nd, 2012, I can honestly say that I felt joy, peace and hope.  I have joy because I know where my little girl is.  She is in heaven and I love the fact that she has never felt pain or rejection or hunger or any of the trials that this world has to offer.  She went from the comfort of her Mommy straight into the comforting arms of our Father.  I felt peace because of all the many prayers that were going up for our family on that day.  I still don't have any answers but I have a peace knowing that God is in control and He has a plan.  I also have hope because of our little Delayne.  I have hope that I will be a Mommy here on Earth again.  I have hope that I will have my baby girl in my arms in a few short months.  I thank God for the hope that He has given my family through Delayne.

In my anxiety over August 2nd, the day that snuck up on me was August 1st.  In my mind, August 2nd is Desi's birthday but August 1st was the day that we found out that we had lost our sweet baby.  I found myself very emotional on that day this year, which I didn't expect.  On August 1st, 2011, I was going about my day completely unaware of what was about to happen.  I went to work, had lunch with Derrick, and basically went about my day until I just couldn't ignore the nagging feeling anymore.  I knew something was wrong and by 5:00 p.m. on August 1, 2011, my worst nightmare had been confirmed. 

This year, I hadn't really thought about how hard that day would be.  I found myself thinking "this time last year, I had no idea that my life was about to change forever" or "this time last year I was being wheeled to a hospital room in absolute agony".  It was such a rough day - just remembering where we were a year before and reliving the pain, not from childbirth but from my broken heart and broken dreams for Desi.

But God knew that August 1st would be such a rough day for me.  I received so many loving texts, emails and phone calls that day.  I am so thankful for a God who doesn't forget my pains and for sending such amazing family and friends who don't forget either. 

Thank you all again for all of the prayers and sweet words of encouragement.  A lot has changed in the last year and you all have been here with our whole family the entire time.  Thank you for your love!!