A lot has happened in the Rodgers' household since the last time I posted.  Another month has gone by since Desi passed away, which always ushers in lots of tears and emotions.  Another month to be reminded of where she is and that it isn't here in my arms.

The past month has also been very emotional because Derrick and I found out that we are pregnant!  I am currently around nine weeks pregnant.  We are both so very excited about adding more children to our family.  We are excited, and cautiously optimistic.  We want more children and hope that this baby will be healthy and living.  Even Davin says, "Mommy, I hope this baby makes it to us this time."  It's amazing the things that he thinks about at just 4 years old.

For me personally, I have been a lot more excited than anything.  I do deal with fear every now and then, but I also have to remind myself that what happened to Desi was a freak accident.  The chances of it happening again are so slim.  I also have to remind myself of how faithful God has been, not just in the tragedy of losing my baby girl, but my whole life.  Looking back I can see His hand in every major moment of my life.

Even in the excitement of having a new baby, I have gotten very emotional.  Not because of fear for this new baby's health, but just missing my Desi.  I am sure that the pregnancy hormones have a lot to do with it but I just find myself so sad and missing her more and more lately.  With all my heart I wish she were in my arms as we are preparing for Baby #4. 

I have also been dealing with balancing the two emotions.  I want to enjoy this pregnancy and the little life that will soon be moving and kicking inside my belly.  It's just so hard when the last person to do that is no longer here.  My last memories of pregnancy and childbirth ended in tragedy and heartbreak.  I just want to be happy about this new pregnancy but also balance that with the part of me who still needs to grieve my loss.  The two emotions are on opposite ends of the scale so it is difficult.

Thanks to everyone who continues to read this blog and pray for me and our family.  I know that I would not be where I am if it wasn't for the support of our loved ones. 

Love,

Meagan