The Six Month Anniversary

This is going to be a very rough week for me.  This Thursday, February 2nd, is our six month anniversary since losing our precious Desi.  Some days have crept by but looking back, it seems to have flown by.  Also this week, on Friday, I will be celebrating my 28th birthday.  I use the word "celebrate" very loosely because I am not sure how much "celebrating" I will really be doing.

I am not sure if it is because I am inching my way towards 30 and I think naturally, the older we get, the less important birthdays really are.  We seem to focus more on the kid's birthdays than our own.  But I know deep down, the reason that the spark has been taken out of this birthday is because Desi isn't here.  Just like all of the Christmas festivities, they were fun and I am glad that I didn't boycott the celebrations, but there will always be that tinge of grief.  I wish that she was here and in my lap as I blow out the candles.  I wish that there were pictures to be taken of us with our growing family and of her trying to unwrap Mommy's presents or eat the bows.

My heart is aching for all of the "should have been's".  All of the memories that we were supposed to make with Desi.  I hate it that I only have pictures to look at and a few hours of memories with her in my arms.

My life has changed so much in a short six months.  I now know and experience a grief beyond words.  Everyday I am reminded of this loss in some way.  Whether it is words to a song, a commercial on TV or simply watching a mother and daughter shopping.  I know that I will continue to get stronger and the grief will only come in waves, but for now, I continue to live it in some way every single day.  I do not cry as often, but I think about her a lot.

In the midst of the pain, I know that God is here.  He has shown me so much comfort and given me strength when I simply had none.  God has a plan for my life and I know that He will use this tragedy to bring Him glory.  I am thankful for all of the friends and family that He has used to bring me comfort but ultimately, my happiness and hope comes from Him.

As we prepare to grow our family, I have to keep my ears and eyes open.  To hear Him when he speaks and to recognize the path that He has for us.  I have to be faithful that He has a plan for us and I know for a fact that I would not have this kind of relationship with the Lord if I had not lost Desi.  I am not at the point where I can say that I am happy that it happened or that I wouldn't change the outcome.  But, I am thankful that God rescued me from the pit and continues to encourage me everyday to live a better life as a light for Him.

On the other side of this tragedy, I often ask myself "Am I making them proud"?  I want for our children in heaven to look down at me and say "we are so proud of you Mommy"!  But ultimately, I want God to look down and say "That's my girl!  That is my daughter and I am so proud"!

Happy six month birthday Desi!  We miss you and love you so much!  I am so proud of you!!  You have changed so many lives, even if you never took your first breath.  You have reminded us to count our blessings, to love one another as God loves us and that life is too precious to be caught up in things that are not really important.  Thank you for showing me a love that I have never known, not just the love that I will always hold in my heart for you, but also helping me recognize the unconditional love of our Lord.