October 15th - Remembering our babies

I recently found out about October 15th.  This day is recognized as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  On this day, everyone is asked to light a candle at 7:00 p.m. and let it burn for one hour in remembrance of all the precious babies that left this world too soon.

October 15th also happens to be the day that we lost our second child through miscarriage.  I have a lot of mixed emotions about this loss.  I honestly did not truly grieve losing our second child until I became pregnant with Desi.  Instead of enjoying my third pregnancy, I was struck with such fear.  Fear of losing another baby and guilt that I had not allowed myself to think of that child very much.

I now think of Baby D quite often.  It is a different type of loss because very few people knew we were pregnant, I didn't have a name or nursery and we didn't even know if we were having a boy or a girl.  Our loss happened when I was 13 weeks pregnant.  We went in for our first ultrasound and there was no heartbeat but the baby measured the size of an 11 week fetus.  That baby was living even if I never felt it move.

However, the loss of Desi has a totally different meaning to me.  We had a name, a nursery, clothes, and plans for our little princess.  My life has been forever changed and my heart is missing a huge piece.

I love both of my babies so very much and I cannot wait to see them again.  Until then, like most of the babylost community, I will cling to these amazing days that are dedicated to our loss.  October 15th is a day for all of us to make it known that we have lost our children and not have to be afraid of who is uncomfortable.

I think that is the hardest part of where I am in my grief right now.  People can sit around and talk about cancer, diseases and death, but very few are comfortable talking about a baby dying.  It is something that no mother wants to acknowledge until it happens to them.  I know that is how I was until all of this happened.  I avoided people who I knew had experienced a baby loss because I was uncomfortable.

I know that the we have come a long way as far as acknowledging these little lives but I think we have a lot farther to go.  I am so tired of people looking at me with nothing but pity.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  If you are sad for my loss you should give me a hug, let me see you cry or listen to me when I need so badly to get things out.

Please do not be scared to ask me about Desi.  I love to hear her name and talk about what I have experienced and I would love to help others understand this experience in case, heaven forbid, you should know someone who has to join this babylost "club".

Thank you to everyone who participated in Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and I hope that more will join us next year as we light our candles in remembrance.  I know that remembering my babies makes me feel better, but I love it even more when others remember and acknowledge them.

Candlelight Service for Desi & Baby Rodgers

A Walk to Remember

This past weekend Mom, Kelli, Brianne and I attended the MEND Annual Walk to Remember.  MEND is the support group that I joined just a few short weeks after losing Desi.  It is a christian based organization that reaches out to Moms and families who have experienced all forms of baby loss, whether it is a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth or infant death.

MEND has become a safe haven for me.  It's a place where I can share my feelings with a group of people who understand and experience my pain.  Just being in a room with 50 other women who know this kind of loss is a godsend.  I love hearing their stories of this journey and it brings me so much encouragement to see that they come out on the other side of this tragedy still standing and usually much stronger because of it.

The Walk to Remember is a time for each family to have their baby recognized and to have your loss acknowledged.  It was so freeing to be able to cry whenever it felt right and not feel like I have to hold anything in.  It was even better getting to share it with three of my very best friends.  I love you so much Mom, Kelli and Bree!  Thank you for being there to support me in my hour of need.

Kelli, Brianne and Mom with our balloons

As a surprise to Mom, I also registered our sibling in heaven to have their name read aloud.  It was important to me that Mom know that I have not forgotten her loss.  She has a baby waiting in heaven too!  A baby that I cannot wait to meet and I just know that all three of our little ones are playing together in heaven!

A Christmas Ornament for Baby Goode

Here are a few of the pictures that we took of our amazing day!  Thank you so much to MEND for taking the time to make my first Walk To Remember a day that I will never forget!

Me with a picture of my baby girl

Ornaments for Desi and Baby Rodgers

Bree, Mom and I getting ready to release our balloons

The Balloon Release

I also want to thank Micah with Blackbird Design.  He designed and printed our awesome t-shirts for free!  They are absolutely beautiful and something I will treasure for a very long time!

What Could Have Been

Last night was a little rough for me.  I was cooking dinner, cleaning around the house and finishing up my Bible Study and I noticed that I was on edge.  I was annoyed with Davin and Derrick, but I couldn't figure out why.  Then as I was putting away laundry I just lost it.  I broke down right there in my laundry room.  It is amazing how this grief can creep  up on you.

About a month ago, I was driving alone in my car and found myself replaying the whole experience (like I do most days) and I remember asking myself, "what exactly am I grieving"?  Obviously losing a baby is a horrible experience, to say the least.  I grieve losing my precious Desi but I wasn't given a lot of time to get to know her.  Only eight short months, and four of those months I didn't even know she was a girl.

As I continued thinking about it, I realized that not only do I grieve the loss of Desi in a physical sense, I think I grieve more all of the things that I did not and will not get to experience with her.  I will never watch her take her first steps or drop her off for her first day of kindergarten.  I will never help her make a homecoming mum or shop for her wedding dress.  I will never get to make any memories with her; that is what I grieve the most.

It hit me as I was driving that day and I wondered if God grieves the same thing for us.  It was never His plan for us to feel pain, hurt, sadness or death.  It's no wonder why death feels so wrong.  It was never God's plan for us to experience death.  I am not sure if God grieves but I do wonder if he feels this same pain that I feel for Desi's life.  He wanted us to spend eternity with Him where we could worship Him and walk with Him.  He planned a life of joy and happiness for all of us.  Our sin has separated us from that life that He had planned, and I wonder if He is sad that our lives have to be full of loss and pain at times.

It brings me so much comfort to know that God truly understands me.  He also had to watch His Son die for us and I believe He grieves with me in my loss.  I think He grieves what could have been and what should have been for us.  I am so thankful for an understanding God.