So two days ago I had my first mini-meltdown with little Delayne.  On Tuesday morning I felt her kick a few times, but like her sister, she is not very active in the mornings.  I felt her move around 9:00 a.m. but we were approaching 10:30 a.m. and I was FREAKING out!  I am usually really good about internalizing it and not letting it show but Tuesday was different.  It's like I had flashbacked to August 1st of last year and I panicked. 

I drank a cold water and nothing happened.  So instead of sobbing at my desk in absolute fear, I went out in our shop and drank a cold coke.  Sip after sip there was nothing.  With every passing second I could feel the room closing in with no movement coming from my belly.  About that time my Dad walked out into the shop and I just lost it!  Fear, panic and grief all came flooding to the surface.  My Dad, of course, started to panic and I had to tell him that this is a daily fight for me.  I battle the fear and anxiety everyday - usually not in such a public way.  I assured my Dad that everything was fine and that I was just in panic mode and sure enough, 10 minutes later she started kicking away. 

It really made me think about how different this pregnancy is.  I can honestly say that I live kick to kick, never taking the next one for granted.  I know what it's like to not have a "next kick".  It is a constant struggle to give it over to God.  When I get scared, all I can do is pray.  Pray that God is wrapping his arms of safety around little Delayne.  My prayers also end up sounding more like pleading some times - pleading that He will not allow anymore babies to be taken away and that I will get to hold this living, breathing baby in a few short months.  Even more than that, I always pray that I will get to watch my babies grow old, get married and have children of their own one day.  I don't assume that it will happen anymore because it isn't a guarantee.

In addition to giving over these fears, it's really hard for me to think about Delayne's future.  With Davin and Desi, I remember picturing them on their first day of kindergarten or the day that they would graduate high school or their wedding day.  With Delayne, I can only picture the day that she is born.  That's as far as my mind will let me get.  I'm sure this is just my mind's way of going into defense mode and as soon as she is here I will mentally picture her prom night and her first day of gymnastics class.  But for now, I can only picture delivering her and holding her until they make me give her up for her first bath.  I cannot wait for that day!

Another thing that I have found myself thinking about is what I would do if she passed away too.  Don't worry - I haven't picked out caskets and headstones but I think this is just part of my "new normal".  I try very hard not to think about the details but it's hard to bury a baby and not mentally prepare yourself for it to happen again.  What happened to Desi was a freak accident and I know I have a better chance of being struck by lightning than it happening again.  But, it is something that I have experienced and I cannot help but try to prepare myself for if it happens again.

On a happier note, I am way more prepared for little Delayne than I was with Desi in terms of the "fun stuff"!  When we lost Desi at 33 weeks pregnant, her nursery was not even close to being done.  We still have 4 months until Delayne makes her arrival and her nursery is pretty much done and she has a closet full of clothes, bows and shoes!  It makes me so happy to walk into her room!  With Desi, something always held me back from buying her clothes and bows.  I now know it was because we were going to lose her and God knew that I could not have faced all of her pretty things after she passed away.  With Delayne, I am enjoying the shopping and maybe in the back of my mind it's my way of telling Satan - "You aren't going to take my excitement about little Delayne!".  I refuse to let him have any of my joy.  He does a good job of planting seeds of fear and doubt in my head but I can overcome that with prayers and a sweet little dress for my princess! 

Please continue to pray for our family and this little life inside me.  Desi's one year anniversary is fast approaching and I find myself in tears at the drop of a hat.  I have so much excitement for the arrival of Delayne but I am also still grieving my sweet Desi.  It's a complicated web of emotions that I have to continue to embrace as part of this "new normal".

Love - Meagan

Last month was a very special month for me.  The day before Mother's Day, Derrick and I hosted a gender reveal party to find out if we are having a boy or a girl.  I read about this idea on a blog and decided that was how I wanted to find out.  We went to our big ultrasound that Friday and instead of having the technician tell us what we were having, I called our cake decorator and then we stepped out of the room while the tech told her what we were having.  The cake decorator tinted the inside of the cake blue or pink, based on the gender.  We, along with our family and friends, would all find out the gender of the baby when we cut the cake.  It was so exciting and our families were more anxious than we were!

After a big meal of BBQ and a game of girls vs. guys baby pictionary (the girls won!), we cut into the beautiful Bee Hive cake.  It was such a joyous moment that we were able to share with our friends, family and eventually on facebook with people who have been walking this path with us.

As most of you know, the inside of the cake was pink!!  Derrick and I were in a state of disbelief!  There were many reasons that I was convinced that we were having a boy.  First of all, my cravings were very similar to when I was pregnant with Davin.  I had moderate night time sickness like I did with Davin, but not as long as I had with Desi.  And the main reason Derrick and I thought we were having a boy - the ultrasound technician found the sex in about 2 seconds.  She told us to turn our heads so that we couldn't get a sneak peek and as soon as we had them turned she told us she was all done.  I thought for sure she saw a little something that so obviously belonged to a little boy!

I have to say, I am extremely grateful and relieved to be having a girl.  Before the party, I had said "it doesn't matter, as long as it is born alive".  I wouldn't even say healthy because in my mind, Desi was perfectly healthy.  I want to believe that if we would have been able to catch the umbilical cord kink that she would still be here.  Sure, she probably would have been in NICU for a month or two, but I choose to believe that she would have survived.

Even though my response to the baby's gender was genuine, there was this overwhelming feeling that I would never have another little girl.  I began to think about all the things I would miss out on and how horrible it would be to have my only baby girl pass away.  It was almost like losing Desi again.  When we cut into that cake and it was pink, my heart was so overjoyed.  I have thanked God a hundred times a day, not just for this healthy baby but also that He has given me the opportunity to be the Mommy to a little girl on this Earth.

With the cutting of that cake, a weight was lifted off of my shoulders and a love filled my heart.  Desi will always be my baby girl and I still grieve all of the memories that we do not get to share, but God is faithful and He gave us exactly what we needed.  He has given us another little girl to dream about and to love on.  I cannot express how thankful I am for this gift.  A little boy would have been awesome and I would have loved him with all of my heart.  But this little girl has helped to heal my broken heart in a small way.  I get to shop for bows, dresses and everything pink again.  I get to experience that mother daughter bond that I still grieve with Desi.  Even though Desi took a piece of me with her, the anticipation of Delayne has helped heal my heart in a small way.  And for that, I am so very thankful.

And for your viewing pleasure, pictures of our Gender Reveal Party!

Picture of our sweet Delayne - she was posing with her fist under her chin!

The beautiful Bee Hive Cake

Davin cutting into the cake

PINK!!  IT'S A GIRL!!!

We cannot wait for your arrival sweet girl - October 10, 2012