The Six Month Anniversary

This is going to be a very rough week for me.  This Thursday, February 2nd, is our six month anniversary since losing our precious Desi.  Some days have crept by but looking back, it seems to have flown by.  Also this week, on Friday, I will be celebrating my 28th birthday.  I use the word "celebrate" very loosely because I am not sure how much "celebrating" I will really be doing.

I am not sure if it is because I am inching my way towards 30 and I think naturally, the older we get, the less important birthdays really are.  We seem to focus more on the kid's birthdays than our own.  But I know deep down, the reason that the spark has been taken out of this birthday is because Desi isn't here.  Just like all of the Christmas festivities, they were fun and I am glad that I didn't boycott the celebrations, but there will always be that tinge of grief.  I wish that she was here and in my lap as I blow out the candles.  I wish that there were pictures to be taken of us with our growing family and of her trying to unwrap Mommy's presents or eat the bows.

My heart is aching for all of the "should have been's".  All of the memories that we were supposed to make with Desi.  I hate it that I only have pictures to look at and a few hours of memories with her in my arms.

My life has changed so much in a short six months.  I now know and experience a grief beyond words.  Everyday I am reminded of this loss in some way.  Whether it is words to a song, a commercial on TV or simply watching a mother and daughter shopping.  I know that I will continue to get stronger and the grief will only come in waves, but for now, I continue to live it in some way every single day.  I do not cry as often, but I think about her a lot.

In the midst of the pain, I know that God is here.  He has shown me so much comfort and given me strength when I simply had none.  God has a plan for my life and I know that He will use this tragedy to bring Him glory.  I am thankful for all of the friends and family that He has used to bring me comfort but ultimately, my happiness and hope comes from Him.

As we prepare to grow our family, I have to keep my ears and eyes open.  To hear Him when he speaks and to recognize the path that He has for us.  I have to be faithful that He has a plan for us and I know for a fact that I would not have this kind of relationship with the Lord if I had not lost Desi.  I am not at the point where I can say that I am happy that it happened or that I wouldn't change the outcome.  But, I am thankful that God rescued me from the pit and continues to encourage me everyday to live a better life as a light for Him.

On the other side of this tragedy, I often ask myself "Am I making them proud"?  I want for our children in heaven to look down at me and say "we are so proud of you Mommy"!  But ultimately, I want God to look down and say "That's my girl!  That is my daughter and I am so proud"!

Happy six month birthday Desi!  We miss you and love you so much!  I am so proud of you!!  You have changed so many lives, even if you never took your first breath.  You have reminded us to count our blessings, to love one another as God loves us and that life is too precious to be caught up in things that are not really important.  Thank you for showing me a love that I have never known, not just the love that I will always hold in my heart for you, but also helping me recognize the unconditional love of our Lord.

Thanksgiving in My Heart

Yesterday on my way home from work, I received some of the best news that I have gotten in six months.  For some of you who may not know, when Derrick and I went in for our initial visit when we got pregnant with Desi, our OB found abnormal cells in my cervix.  He postponed doing a biopsy because I was pregnant but I knew it was something that had to be done once Desi was born.

Unfortunately, we lost Desi and I had to walk into this very scary situation without my little princess in my arms.  Early in December we went in for the biopsy and only had to wait a few days for the results.  The cells that were found in the biopsy were borderline precancerous and our OB was on the fence about doing surgery.  The surgery that is required when they find these kind of cells is to remove a portion of the opening of my cervix.  This would increase my chances of micarrying or going into preterm labor during the next pregnancy.  Definitely not an ideal situation given the fact that I will be anxious with the next pregnancy as it is.

Our OB recommended that we get a second opinion from an oncologist on whether we should move forward with the surgery.  I can tell you that God put the perfect oncologist in our path.  After tying unsuccessfully to book an appointment with three other oncologists, he led us to a doctor who specializes in gynecological oncology at MD Anderson.  He and his staff were amazing!  They made Derrick and I feel very comfortable and our doctor explained things in a way that we could actually understand!

He chose to do another biopsy just to double check the results and let us know that as long as nothing had changed, he did not feel that surgery would be needed.  Apparently, doctors are now finding out that they have been overtreating women who have abnormal cervical cells and were usually doing more harm than good.  He said that our chances of this turning into cancer is extremely slim.  As long as we check up on it every six months, I should be fine!!  What a blessing!

So yesterday I received the phone call from the oncologist's office and they told us that the cells that were found came back extremely low grade and were not even considered precancerous.  I will have to check on it every six months but we are free to start trying to get pregnant right away!!

This is where I need prayers.  I have mixed emotions on trying again.  On one hand, I am so excited at the possibility of having more children and getting pregnant again.  On the other hand, I am scared and anxious.  I know that it will be the longest nine months of my life and everyday will be a constant struggle to hand over all of those fears and worries to God and just trust Him.  This is where my faith will come into play.  Trusting God with ANY outcome - whether it means more children or more losses.  That is a very hard thing to wrap my head around.

Please pray for Derrick and I as we begin this next chapter of our lives.  This may just be the beauty out of our ashes.  Trusting God with any future children and relying on Him fully regardless of the outcome.  I have been hearing this saying a lot lately and it definitely rings true for me - God will not bring me to any situation that He cannot walk me through.

My new verse for this season of my life:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7