Last month was a very special month for me.  The day before Mother's Day, Derrick and I hosted a gender reveal party to find out if we are having a boy or a girl.  I read about this idea on a blog and decided that was how I wanted to find out.  We went to our big ultrasound that Friday and instead of having the technician tell us what we were having, I called our cake decorator and then we stepped out of the room while the tech told her what we were having.  The cake decorator tinted the inside of the cake blue or pink, based on the gender.  We, along with our family and friends, would all find out the gender of the baby when we cut the cake.  It was so exciting and our families were more anxious than we were!

After a big meal of BBQ and a game of girls vs. guys baby pictionary (the girls won!), we cut into the beautiful Bee Hive cake.  It was such a joyous moment that we were able to share with our friends, family and eventually on facebook with people who have been walking this path with us.

As most of you know, the inside of the cake was pink!!  Derrick and I were in a state of disbelief!  There were many reasons that I was convinced that we were having a boy.  First of all, my cravings were very similar to when I was pregnant with Davin.  I had moderate night time sickness like I did with Davin, but not as long as I had with Desi.  And the main reason Derrick and I thought we were having a boy - the ultrasound technician found the sex in about 2 seconds.  She told us to turn our heads so that we couldn't get a sneak peek and as soon as we had them turned she told us she was all done.  I thought for sure she saw a little something that so obviously belonged to a little boy!

I have to say, I am extremely grateful and relieved to be having a girl.  Before the party, I had said "it doesn't matter, as long as it is born alive".  I wouldn't even say healthy because in my mind, Desi was perfectly healthy.  I want to believe that if we would have been able to catch the umbilical cord kink that she would still be here.  Sure, she probably would have been in NICU for a month or two, but I choose to believe that she would have survived.

Even though my response to the baby's gender was genuine, there was this overwhelming feeling that I would never have another little girl.  I began to think about all the things I would miss out on and how horrible it would be to have my only baby girl pass away.  It was almost like losing Desi again.  When we cut into that cake and it was pink, my heart was so overjoyed.  I have thanked God a hundred times a day, not just for this healthy baby but also that He has given me the opportunity to be the Mommy to a little girl on this Earth.

With the cutting of that cake, a weight was lifted off of my shoulders and a love filled my heart.  Desi will always be my baby girl and I still grieve all of the memories that we do not get to share, but God is faithful and He gave us exactly what we needed.  He has given us another little girl to dream about and to love on.  I cannot express how thankful I am for this gift.  A little boy would have been awesome and I would have loved him with all of my heart.  But this little girl has helped to heal my broken heart in a small way.  I get to shop for bows, dresses and everything pink again.  I get to experience that mother daughter bond that I still grieve with Desi.  Even though Desi took a piece of me with her, the anticipation of Delayne has helped heal my heart in a small way.  And for that, I am so very thankful.

And for your viewing pleasure, pictures of our Gender Reveal Party!

Picture of our sweet Delayne - she was posing with her fist under her chin!

The beautiful Bee Hive Cake

Davin cutting into the cake

PINK!!  IT'S A GIRL!!!

We cannot wait for your arrival sweet girl - October 10, 2012

It has been nine months since the most tragic day of my life.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I remember this nagging feeling that something was wrong.  There was no movement from my belly all day long, which was not like my little acrobat.  I remember the smell of the room that we were led to in the hospital.  I remember the girl trying frantically to find Desi's heartbeat and me trying not to throw up.  I remember hearing the people behind the curtains next to us as they happily listened to their baby's heartbeats on the monitors.  I remember those four words that have haunted me ever since - "there is no heartbeat".  That was the second time I had heard those words.

I remember crying out in absolute agony - it was the worst pain of my life - the pain of my heart breaking.  I often think of what those people on either side of the curtains were thinking.  Did they cry?  Did they say a little prayer thanking God that their baby was still alive?  I remember being wheeled to our room as I yelled "No" the whole way there...the nurses behind the counter of the desk looking as if they might break down with me.  I remember watching my husband lose it - one of the very few times I have ever seen him cry. 

There were a lot of tears that day.  I was in shock.  I had no answers - what happened?  Why me?  Why Desi?  Why my beautiful baby girl that I had dreamed of and desired?  It's kind of fitting that Desi's name means "desired one".  She was so very desired!!

October will mark the beginning of a new life in our family but there are things that I want to do to remember Desi's life.  Free time will be hard to come by when the new baby arrives so there are things that were started months ago that need to be finished and things that I want to have done that are very special to me.  

Here is a list of the things that I want to have done by October:

1) Finish Desi's scrapbook - I started a scrapbook for Desi a few months after she passed away.  I haven't worked on it much since then because it is exhausting!  I want for everything to be perfect but I think when I try to finish it, I will give myself some grace.  I want this to be a fun thing to do in her memory.  Please pray for me as I work on letting go of the perfection - I just want it to be fun!  Also, if any of you have pictures, poems or scriptures that remind you of Desi, please email them to me.  I want to include things from other people who have walked this journey with us.  Those things are so special to me!

2) Rodger's Baby Gallery - There is a wall in my hallway that I want to turn into my "baby gallery".  I want to have a picture of Davin when he was a baby and one of Desi blown up and framed in a beautiful frame.  This is something that I will continue with all of our future blessings.  I want her to have a visible place in our home for everyone to see.  It's also a way for me to share her story to others who may visit our home in the future and not know our story.  I want everyone to know that she will always be my daughter and she has a place in our family.

3) Birthday Announcements - Expect to find a little something in the mail this August for Desi's 1st heavenly birthday.  This is probably the only year that I will publicly celebrate her birthday.  I want to have a small birthday party for her and more importantly, I want to send out a birthday announcement so that everyone remembers her special day.

4) Create her spot in the house - With the new little one fast approaching, it is very apparent that I will have to take down Desi's nursery to make room for our new bundle of joy.  I had been struggling with this a lot!  It brought me to tears to think that she wouldn't have a place in our home anymore.  Then a good friend of mine who has also lost a baby suggested that I create a memory box for her.  This box would include her bedding, clothes, bows - anything that was bought for her or given in her memory.  That box would then be placed in our closet or under the bed.  It will be her little spot with everything in it.  I can go to that place any time that I want!  That made me feel so much better.  I am still not looking forward to filling the box but I will feel much better just having it there as my little Desi Spot!

Please pray for me as I try to check off each item on the list.  I will never ever "get over" Desi.  She will always be my little girl and I will forever be changed.  But there is a new chapter of my life that will be starting soon.  I do pray that people will continue to bring her up and ask how I'm doing.  This is something that I will carry with me the rest of my life.  It isn't over just because a new baby arrives. 

Thank you so much for all of the prayers and sweet words of comfort.  They mean the world to me!

Love,
Meagan

We are now eight months into our "new" normal and I have to confess, yesterday came and went and I actually didn't realize it was her eight month heavenly birthday.  As things get busier and life keeps going, I find myself stronger most days and thinking about the tragedy less and less.  I still think of Desi all the time, but it's usually happy thoughts.  I always think about what she's doing up there. 

In my heart, I just knew that she would be a little tomboy!  I wanted a girly girl so bad that I just knew God was going to give me a little girl who wanted to do everything her big brother did!  I imagine her up in heaven chasing frogs and rolling down hills of grass.  I guess I will have to wait until I get there to find out!

As you all know, Derrick and I are expecting what the babylost community calls our "rainbow baby".  I like this term because I think it is very accurate.  You can't have a rainbow without a storm.  You endure the storm, all of the wind, rain, lightning and thunder.  Sometimes the storm is scary.  Sometimes you feel lonely.  Sometimes you are left with tragedy when the clouds roll away.  But at the end of it all, there is a beautiful rainbow.  It brings a smile to your face to see it, even when you are still standing in the debris of that storm.

That's where I feel like I am right now.  We have experienced such a tragedy and there is still debris left all around us.  There are reminders of our sweet girl, there are times of anger and still quite a few tears.  But, God is faithful.  He has given us a beautiful baby that I get to dream about and plan for.  We will never be like we were before the storm.  The storm has shaped us into who we are today.  Everything after the storm will be even more beautiful, but the storm still happened and the tragedy will always affect our lives.

We are so thankful for this little life that we have been given.  I pray everyday for this baby and for it to make it's way to our home alive.  Please continue to pray for me as I deal with all new struggles as I still grieve Desi and prepare for Baby #4. 

Love,

Meagan

A lot has happened in the Rodgers' household since the last time I posted.  Another month has gone by since Desi passed away, which always ushers in lots of tears and emotions.  Another month to be reminded of where she is and that it isn't here in my arms.

The past month has also been very emotional because Derrick and I found out that we are pregnant!  I am currently around nine weeks pregnant.  We are both so very excited about adding more children to our family.  We are excited, and cautiously optimistic.  We want more children and hope that this baby will be healthy and living.  Even Davin says, "Mommy, I hope this baby makes it to us this time."  It's amazing the things that he thinks about at just 4 years old.

For me personally, I have been a lot more excited than anything.  I do deal with fear every now and then, but I also have to remind myself that what happened to Desi was a freak accident.  The chances of it happening again are so slim.  I also have to remind myself of how faithful God has been, not just in the tragedy of losing my baby girl, but my whole life.  Looking back I can see His hand in every major moment of my life.

Even in the excitement of having a new baby, I have gotten very emotional.  Not because of fear for this new baby's health, but just missing my Desi.  I am sure that the pregnancy hormones have a lot to do with it but I just find myself so sad and missing her more and more lately.  With all my heart I wish she were in my arms as we are preparing for Baby #4. 

I have also been dealing with balancing the two emotions.  I want to enjoy this pregnancy and the little life that will soon be moving and kicking inside my belly.  It's just so hard when the last person to do that is no longer here.  My last memories of pregnancy and childbirth ended in tragedy and heartbreak.  I just want to be happy about this new pregnancy but also balance that with the part of me who still needs to grieve my loss.  The two emotions are on opposite ends of the scale so it is difficult.

Thanks to everyone who continues to read this blog and pray for me and our family.  I know that I would not be where I am if it wasn't for the support of our loved ones. 

Love,

Meagan

The Six Month Anniversary

This is going to be a very rough week for me.  This Thursday, February 2nd, is our six month anniversary since losing our precious Desi.  Some days have crept by but looking back, it seems to have flown by.  Also this week, on Friday, I will be celebrating my 28th birthday.  I use the word "celebrate" very loosely because I am not sure how much "celebrating" I will really be doing.

I am not sure if it is because I am inching my way towards 30 and I think naturally, the older we get, the less important birthdays really are.  We seem to focus more on the kid's birthdays than our own.  But I know deep down, the reason that the spark has been taken out of this birthday is because Desi isn't here.  Just like all of the Christmas festivities, they were fun and I am glad that I didn't boycott the celebrations, but there will always be that tinge of grief.  I wish that she was here and in my lap as I blow out the candles.  I wish that there were pictures to be taken of us with our growing family and of her trying to unwrap Mommy's presents or eat the bows.

My heart is aching for all of the "should have been's".  All of the memories that we were supposed to make with Desi.  I hate it that I only have pictures to look at and a few hours of memories with her in my arms.

My life has changed so much in a short six months.  I now know and experience a grief beyond words.  Everyday I am reminded of this loss in some way.  Whether it is words to a song, a commercial on TV or simply watching a mother and daughter shopping.  I know that I will continue to get stronger and the grief will only come in waves, but for now, I continue to live it in some way every single day.  I do not cry as often, but I think about her a lot.

In the midst of the pain, I know that God is here.  He has shown me so much comfort and given me strength when I simply had none.  God has a plan for my life and I know that He will use this tragedy to bring Him glory.  I am thankful for all of the friends and family that He has used to bring me comfort but ultimately, my happiness and hope comes from Him.

As we prepare to grow our family, I have to keep my ears and eyes open.  To hear Him when he speaks and to recognize the path that He has for us.  I have to be faithful that He has a plan for us and I know for a fact that I would not have this kind of relationship with the Lord if I had not lost Desi.  I am not at the point where I can say that I am happy that it happened or that I wouldn't change the outcome.  But, I am thankful that God rescued me from the pit and continues to encourage me everyday to live a better life as a light for Him.

On the other side of this tragedy, I often ask myself "Am I making them proud"?  I want for our children in heaven to look down at me and say "we are so proud of you Mommy"!  But ultimately, I want God to look down and say "That's my girl!  That is my daughter and I am so proud"!

Happy six month birthday Desi!  We miss you and love you so much!  I am so proud of you!!  You have changed so many lives, even if you never took your first breath.  You have reminded us to count our blessings, to love one another as God loves us and that life is too precious to be caught up in things that are not really important.  Thank you for showing me a love that I have never known, not just the love that I will always hold in my heart for you, but also helping me recognize the unconditional love of our Lord.

Thanksgiving in My Heart

Yesterday on my way home from work, I received some of the best news that I have gotten in six months.  For some of you who may not know, when Derrick and I went in for our initial visit when we got pregnant with Desi, our OB found abnormal cells in my cervix.  He postponed doing a biopsy because I was pregnant but I knew it was something that had to be done once Desi was born.

Unfortunately, we lost Desi and I had to walk into this very scary situation without my little princess in my arms.  Early in December we went in for the biopsy and only had to wait a few days for the results.  The cells that were found in the biopsy were borderline precancerous and our OB was on the fence about doing surgery.  The surgery that is required when they find these kind of cells is to remove a portion of the opening of my cervix.  This would increase my chances of micarrying or going into preterm labor during the next pregnancy.  Definitely not an ideal situation given the fact that I will be anxious with the next pregnancy as it is.

Our OB recommended that we get a second opinion from an oncologist on whether we should move forward with the surgery.  I can tell you that God put the perfect oncologist in our path.  After tying unsuccessfully to book an appointment with three other oncologists, he led us to a doctor who specializes in gynecological oncology at MD Anderson.  He and his staff were amazing!  They made Derrick and I feel very comfortable and our doctor explained things in a way that we could actually understand!

He chose to do another biopsy just to double check the results and let us know that as long as nothing had changed, he did not feel that surgery would be needed.  Apparently, doctors are now finding out that they have been overtreating women who have abnormal cervical cells and were usually doing more harm than good.  He said that our chances of this turning into cancer is extremely slim.  As long as we check up on it every six months, I should be fine!!  What a blessing!

So yesterday I received the phone call from the oncologist's office and they told us that the cells that were found came back extremely low grade and were not even considered precancerous.  I will have to check on it every six months but we are free to start trying to get pregnant right away!!

This is where I need prayers.  I have mixed emotions on trying again.  On one hand, I am so excited at the possibility of having more children and getting pregnant again.  On the other hand, I am scared and anxious.  I know that it will be the longest nine months of my life and everyday will be a constant struggle to hand over all of those fears and worries to God and just trust Him.  This is where my faith will come into play.  Trusting God with ANY outcome - whether it means more children or more losses.  That is a very hard thing to wrap my head around.

Please pray for Derrick and I as we begin this next chapter of our lives.  This may just be the beauty out of our ashes.  Trusting God with any future children and relying on Him fully regardless of the outcome.  I have been hearing this saying a lot lately and it definitely rings true for me - God will not bring me to any situation that He cannot walk me through.

My new verse for this season of my life:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7

When the Words Will Not Come

I have been absent from my blog for the past couple of weeks, mainly because I do not know what to say.  I do not know what I feel, except sad.  I find myself a lot less excited about events that I would normally get excited over.  Don't get me wrong, I still love to see Davin's little face light up when he sees Christmas lights and presents under the tree.  It's just that with every wonderful experience with him, I am reminded that Desi is not here and we will never make any memories with her.

I cried when I put up her only Christmas ornament and when I see the cute little Christmas dresses.  I cried when I walked into my Mom and Dad's and there was no stocking hanging up for her.  I do not expect them to get her a stocking, but she was supposed to be here. She was supposed to have a stocking with her name on it and tons of little goodies spilling out of it.

She was supposed to be here, but instead she spends her first Christmas with Jesus.  I am so happy that all she will ever know is comfort, peace and safety.  But all I want for Christmas is my little Desi.  All I want is to hold her in my arms, feed her a bottle and sing her a Christmas carol as I rock her to sleep.

Why did my beautiful, perfectly healthy baby girl have to go?  Why did she have to die?  I do not expect an answer to these questions, but this is what is on my heart today.  There is a lot of grief mixed into the happiness of the season and "happy" moments do not excite me like they used to.  Maybe one day I will return to my old self who gets excited over good news or upset over bad news, but right now I am just numb.

I miss my baby Desi and words do not seem to come to mind.  The truest way I can express this grief is through tears.  Words just aren't as productive as a good cry.