It has been nine months since the most tragic day of my life.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I remember this nagging feeling that something was wrong.  There was no movement from my belly all day long, which was not like my little acrobat.  I remember the smell of the room that we were led to in the hospital.  I remember the girl trying frantically to find Desi's heartbeat and me trying not to throw up.  I remember hearing the people behind the curtains next to us as they happily listened to their baby's heartbeats on the monitors.  I remember those four words that have haunted me ever since - "there is no heartbeat".  That was the second time I had heard those words.

I remember crying out in absolute agony - it was the worst pain of my life - the pain of my heart breaking.  I often think of what those people on either side of the curtains were thinking.  Did they cry?  Did they say a little prayer thanking God that their baby was still alive?  I remember being wheeled to our room as I yelled "No" the whole way there...the nurses behind the counter of the desk looking as if they might break down with me.  I remember watching my husband lose it - one of the very few times I have ever seen him cry. 

There were a lot of tears that day.  I was in shock.  I had no answers - what happened?  Why me?  Why Desi?  Why my beautiful baby girl that I had dreamed of and desired?  It's kind of fitting that Desi's name means "desired one".  She was so very desired!!

October will mark the beginning of a new life in our family but there are things that I want to do to remember Desi's life.  Free time will be hard to come by when the new baby arrives so there are things that were started months ago that need to be finished and things that I want to have done that are very special to me.  

Here is a list of the things that I want to have done by October:

1) Finish Desi's scrapbook - I started a scrapbook for Desi a few months after she passed away.  I haven't worked on it much since then because it is exhausting!  I want for everything to be perfect but I think when I try to finish it, I will give myself some grace.  I want this to be a fun thing to do in her memory.  Please pray for me as I work on letting go of the perfection - I just want it to be fun!  Also, if any of you have pictures, poems or scriptures that remind you of Desi, please email them to me.  I want to include things from other people who have walked this journey with us.  Those things are so special to me!

2) Rodger's Baby Gallery - There is a wall in my hallway that I want to turn into my "baby gallery".  I want to have a picture of Davin when he was a baby and one of Desi blown up and framed in a beautiful frame.  This is something that I will continue with all of our future blessings.  I want her to have a visible place in our home for everyone to see.  It's also a way for me to share her story to others who may visit our home in the future and not know our story.  I want everyone to know that she will always be my daughter and she has a place in our family.

3) Birthday Announcements - Expect to find a little something in the mail this August for Desi's 1st heavenly birthday.  This is probably the only year that I will publicly celebrate her birthday.  I want to have a small birthday party for her and more importantly, I want to send out a birthday announcement so that everyone remembers her special day.

4) Create her spot in the house - With the new little one fast approaching, it is very apparent that I will have to take down Desi's nursery to make room for our new bundle of joy.  I had been struggling with this a lot!  It brought me to tears to think that she wouldn't have a place in our home anymore.  Then a good friend of mine who has also lost a baby suggested that I create a memory box for her.  This box would include her bedding, clothes, bows - anything that was bought for her or given in her memory.  That box would then be placed in our closet or under the bed.  It will be her little spot with everything in it.  I can go to that place any time that I want!  That made me feel so much better.  I am still not looking forward to filling the box but I will feel much better just having it there as my little Desi Spot!

Please pray for me as I try to check off each item on the list.  I will never ever "get over" Desi.  She will always be my little girl and I will forever be changed.  But there is a new chapter of my life that will be starting soon.  I do pray that people will continue to bring her up and ask how I'm doing.  This is something that I will carry with me the rest of my life.  It isn't over just because a new baby arrives. 

Thank you so much for all of the prayers and sweet words of comfort.  They mean the world to me!

Love,
Meagan