The Six Month Anniversary

This is going to be a very rough week for me.  This Thursday, February 2nd, is our six month anniversary since losing our precious Desi.  Some days have crept by but looking back, it seems to have flown by.  Also this week, on Friday, I will be celebrating my 28th birthday.  I use the word "celebrate" very loosely because I am not sure how much "celebrating" I will really be doing.

I am not sure if it is because I am inching my way towards 30 and I think naturally, the older we get, the less important birthdays really are.  We seem to focus more on the kid's birthdays than our own.  But I know deep down, the reason that the spark has been taken out of this birthday is because Desi isn't here.  Just like all of the Christmas festivities, they were fun and I am glad that I didn't boycott the celebrations, but there will always be that tinge of grief.  I wish that she was here and in my lap as I blow out the candles.  I wish that there were pictures to be taken of us with our growing family and of her trying to unwrap Mommy's presents or eat the bows.

My heart is aching for all of the "should have been's".  All of the memories that we were supposed to make with Desi.  I hate it that I only have pictures to look at and a few hours of memories with her in my arms.

My life has changed so much in a short six months.  I now know and experience a grief beyond words.  Everyday I am reminded of this loss in some way.  Whether it is words to a song, a commercial on TV or simply watching a mother and daughter shopping.  I know that I will continue to get stronger and the grief will only come in waves, but for now, I continue to live it in some way every single day.  I do not cry as often, but I think about her a lot.

In the midst of the pain, I know that God is here.  He has shown me so much comfort and given me strength when I simply had none.  God has a plan for my life and I know that He will use this tragedy to bring Him glory.  I am thankful for all of the friends and family that He has used to bring me comfort but ultimately, my happiness and hope comes from Him.

As we prepare to grow our family, I have to keep my ears and eyes open.  To hear Him when he speaks and to recognize the path that He has for us.  I have to be faithful that He has a plan for us and I know for a fact that I would not have this kind of relationship with the Lord if I had not lost Desi.  I am not at the point where I can say that I am happy that it happened or that I wouldn't change the outcome.  But, I am thankful that God rescued me from the pit and continues to encourage me everyday to live a better life as a light for Him.

On the other side of this tragedy, I often ask myself "Am I making them proud"?  I want for our children in heaven to look down at me and say "we are so proud of you Mommy"!  But ultimately, I want God to look down and say "That's my girl!  That is my daughter and I am so proud"!

Happy six month birthday Desi!  We miss you and love you so much!  I am so proud of you!!  You have changed so many lives, even if you never took your first breath.  You have reminded us to count our blessings, to love one another as God loves us and that life is too precious to be caught up in things that are not really important.  Thank you for showing me a love that I have never known, not just the love that I will always hold in my heart for you, but also helping me recognize the unconditional love of our Lord.

Thanksgiving in My Heart

Yesterday on my way home from work, I received some of the best news that I have gotten in six months.  For some of you who may not know, when Derrick and I went in for our initial visit when we got pregnant with Desi, our OB found abnormal cells in my cervix.  He postponed doing a biopsy because I was pregnant but I knew it was something that had to be done once Desi was born.

Unfortunately, we lost Desi and I had to walk into this very scary situation without my little princess in my arms.  Early in December we went in for the biopsy and only had to wait a few days for the results.  The cells that were found in the biopsy were borderline precancerous and our OB was on the fence about doing surgery.  The surgery that is required when they find these kind of cells is to remove a portion of the opening of my cervix.  This would increase my chances of micarrying or going into preterm labor during the next pregnancy.  Definitely not an ideal situation given the fact that I will be anxious with the next pregnancy as it is.

Our OB recommended that we get a second opinion from an oncologist on whether we should move forward with the surgery.  I can tell you that God put the perfect oncologist in our path.  After tying unsuccessfully to book an appointment with three other oncologists, he led us to a doctor who specializes in gynecological oncology at MD Anderson.  He and his staff were amazing!  They made Derrick and I feel very comfortable and our doctor explained things in a way that we could actually understand!

He chose to do another biopsy just to double check the results and let us know that as long as nothing had changed, he did not feel that surgery would be needed.  Apparently, doctors are now finding out that they have been overtreating women who have abnormal cervical cells and were usually doing more harm than good.  He said that our chances of this turning into cancer is extremely slim.  As long as we check up on it every six months, I should be fine!!  What a blessing!

So yesterday I received the phone call from the oncologist's office and they told us that the cells that were found came back extremely low grade and were not even considered precancerous.  I will have to check on it every six months but we are free to start trying to get pregnant right away!!

This is where I need prayers.  I have mixed emotions on trying again.  On one hand, I am so excited at the possibility of having more children and getting pregnant again.  On the other hand, I am scared and anxious.  I know that it will be the longest nine months of my life and everyday will be a constant struggle to hand over all of those fears and worries to God and just trust Him.  This is where my faith will come into play.  Trusting God with ANY outcome - whether it means more children or more losses.  That is a very hard thing to wrap my head around.

Please pray for Derrick and I as we begin this next chapter of our lives.  This may just be the beauty out of our ashes.  Trusting God with any future children and relying on Him fully regardless of the outcome.  I have been hearing this saying a lot lately and it definitely rings true for me - God will not bring me to any situation that He cannot walk me through.

My new verse for this season of my life:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7

When the Words Will Not Come

I have been absent from my blog for the past couple of weeks, mainly because I do not know what to say.  I do not know what I feel, except sad.  I find myself a lot less excited about events that I would normally get excited over.  Don't get me wrong, I still love to see Davin's little face light up when he sees Christmas lights and presents under the tree.  It's just that with every wonderful experience with him, I am reminded that Desi is not here and we will never make any memories with her.

I cried when I put up her only Christmas ornament and when I see the cute little Christmas dresses.  I cried when I walked into my Mom and Dad's and there was no stocking hanging up for her.  I do not expect them to get her a stocking, but she was supposed to be here. She was supposed to have a stocking with her name on it and tons of little goodies spilling out of it.

She was supposed to be here, but instead she spends her first Christmas with Jesus.  I am so happy that all she will ever know is comfort, peace and safety.  But all I want for Christmas is my little Desi.  All I want is to hold her in my arms, feed her a bottle and sing her a Christmas carol as I rock her to sleep.

Why did my beautiful, perfectly healthy baby girl have to go?  Why did she have to die?  I do not expect an answer to these questions, but this is what is on my heart today.  There is a lot of grief mixed into the happiness of the season and "happy" moments do not excite me like they used to.  Maybe one day I will return to my old self who gets excited over good news or upset over bad news, but right now I am just numb.

I miss my baby Desi and words do not seem to come to mind.  The truest way I can express this grief is through tears.  Words just aren't as productive as a good cry. 

Tis the Season

I just wanted to share this beautiful Christmas wreath that Kelli made for Desi's grave.  It is so gorgeous and extremely girly!  I know Desi would have loved it.  Thanks Aunt Kelli!

Desi's Christmas Wreath

I visited Desi's grave for the first time in several weeks to put her wreath up.  Sadly, she has three new friends next to her.  Just a few days ago a friend of mine told me about someone from her old church who lost her little boy at 39 weeks pregnant.  It is incredibly sad that so many families experience this tragedy.  The support group I attend, MEND, welcomes at least 7 new families every month who have experienced some sort of baby loss.



One thing I am more thankful for than ever is Davin.  God knew what he was doing when he blessed Derrick and I with that little man.  This tragedy would be so much harder if I didn't have him to come home to everyday.  This blog is mainly about Desi but I couldn't help but sneak in this picture of Davin in his blaze orange.  Nonna took him "hunting" while we were in Arkansas.  Needless to say, he wants to live there now!

Big Brother - Davin

Family and friends, please continue to pray for our family, but also for the thousands of families who are suffering this same loss.  Also, please pray for me during the holiday season.  Thanksgiving was pretty tough.  Walking into a house full of our family and not having her in my arms brought me to tears.  Christmas is going to be really hard!

Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Let the Music Play

As most of you can tell from my last post, I have been having a pretty rough time lately.  I am embarrassed because looking back at that post it makes me think...pity party anyone?  I know that my emotions are normal and I shouldn't be ashamed of my feelings.  I started this blog as a place to vent, not only for friends and family to know where I am, but also as a place for me to look back in years to come and hopefully see how far God has brought my heart.

I have had to let go of a lot of things in the last few months, including my high expectations that no person can live up to.  Even though my grief is justified, I have to keep my priorities straight.  There is no human being on this planet who can comfort me the way that I need to be comforted.  There is no person who is going to know exactly what to say and when to say it.  No one can read my mind...which is probably a good thing!  I'm sure my thoughts would make anyone think that I am crazy!

Thankfully God knows what I need, when I need it.  I feel the closest to Him through music.  For those of you who have known me forever know that I love music!  It speaks to my soul and that is usually how God speaks to me.  I will have a really hard time with something and then the perfect song will come on KSBJ.  I take my worship time very seriously because that is my time to sing to my Lord.  I may not have the best voice in the world, but I know it tugs at His heartstrings when I sing with pure love for Him.

So speaking of music, last night I was driving home alone in my car and the most wonderful song came on that really addressed my last post.  God spoke to me when I needed Him most.  Here are some of lyrics:

Where Your Heart Belongs by Mainstay

You've been down the darkest roads
And you know just how it feels to lose your hope
But don't give up on everything
When everyone has given up on you
And it feels like everyone has left you

You're not alone, I hear you call
I've been waiting for you through it all
You're not alone, come to the cross
Let me show you where your heart belongs
You're not alone

I will never leave you, come back to My open arms
To the only love you need

In contrast to the lyrics, I do not feel like anyone has given up on me.  But I have put such an emphasis on others remembering this loss and seeking comfort from others who cannot be here for me the way I need them.  I would still love to hear from my loved ones every now and then but I did not mean to send a guilt trip to family and friends. 

I love you all so very much and pray that you will all be patient with me as I navigate these tough times.  I hope to learn a lot from my posts, for the good and the bad.

Thank you Lord for your endless love that you pour over me in so many ways.  Lord, I pray that you will keep my eyes and heart focused on you in my darkest hours.  I pray you will remove any disappointment and frustration from my heart and remind me of the many people who are still praying, remembering and encouraging me.  You are my comfort and my healer.  Only you know the true desires of my heart and I know that you will bring something wonderful from this tragedy.

We studied this scripture in our Bible Study last week and it has spoken to my heart on so many levels!

Revelation 21: 3-4 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them.  They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. 

Hallelujah!  Let the music play, Lord.  I love to hear Your song!!

Isn't this supposed to get easier?

I am three months in to my "new normal" and let me tell you, there is nothing "normal" about it.  I know that this loss is going to be difficult but I feel like I've been having more bad days than good.  It must be the holidays coming up, or the fact that little by little, the shock is still wearing off.

I don't cry as much as I did in the beginning but when I do, it's so much deeper.  My grief is so much deeper.  Instead of crying many tears after looking at her pictures, all I have to do is think of her pretty face and I find myself on hands and knees in the middle of her nursery floor sobbing.  It's so hard to think about God's perfect plan when all I want is to have her in my arms.

Friends and family, please continue to pray for me.  Pray that God will comfort me on the hard days and that he will remove some of the disappointment that I have been experiencing.  I know that people have not forgotten my loss but it would be so nice to get a random email or phone call from some of the people who were there in the beginning.  Anything just to show that Desi is not forgotten and that I still have friends who make this loss a priority.  Grief doesn't end when you are three months into it.  For me, it feels like it is only the beginning.

Don't get me wrong, it is great to be on the top of someone's prayer list, but it's totally different when you hear from that person who has been praying for you.  I have leaned a lot about how I want to treat someone who has lost a loved one.  And it will happen, we will all lose loved ones at some point in time.  There have been a few people who have really been the hands and feet of Christ in my life.  They have reached out, even when their schedules are busy.  They have called, even when the subject may be uncomfortable.  They encourage me with scriptures, prayers and reassurance that they are there for me.

Thanks to all of the people who keep reaching out and for those who still read the blog.  I LOVE reading your comments and I know how much you love our family!  I am so blessed to have you in my life and you have kept me going.

I know that this frustration will pass.  Like I said, I think the fast approaching holidays are really messing with my emotions.  I am excited to see Davin open his gifts and he is overjoyed with thoughts of presents and Santa.  On the other hand, I wish I could skip it all together.  It's going to be a day filled with tears as I think about Christmas without Desi.  Thinking about the outfit she would have worn, the gifts she would have gotten and all the pictures we would have taken of the newest member of our family.

I am beginning to realize that this is going to get harder, before it gets easier.

Three Months...and counting

Today marks three months since we lost Desi.  The day has gone by with very few tears and I've managed to keep myself busy.  It's so funny that the last few "milestones" have occurred on a Wednesday.  Shortly after losing Desi I signed up for the Ladies Bible Study at church that meet on Wednesday nights and has been AMAZING!  I give all the glory to God on that one!  He knows that these days are so hard and what better way to celebrate the life of my princess than to be surrounded with my Father's comfort and such wonderful ladies.

Life has pretty much gone on as usual in the Rodgers' household.  I find myself crying less and less but I still think of her constantly.  Instead of picking out her Christmas presents, I find myself picking out arrangements for her grave.  It's one of the few places where I can express my love for her in a tangible way, for all the world to see.  I want people to walk by her grave and say "that baby must really be loved and missed"!

It's so hard for me right now.  I know that people's lives are going on.  Babies are being born, holidays are right around the corner and life just seems to be a whirlwind.  I know that people are not necessarily going to forget this loss, but it will not be on the top of their mind like it has been the past few months.

With that being said, I got one of the best comments just now from my cousin Ryan who lives in Michigan.  Most of our communication is through email and facebook but I was moved to tears by her comment on my last blog post.  In her comment, she mentioned how hearing my story has reminded her of the blessings of her children, even when we are irritated with them.  She is so right and I find myself guilty of this even today.  I am so blessed to have Davin and I know now how short life really can be, but I still become frustrated at times with things that are so miniscule in the grand scheme.

In her comment, she also mentioned that she knows that I would give anything to get to experience those "irritating" moments with Desi.  That is so true and I love it that she thought of how I might be feeling in this time of loss.  I was just thinking yesterday that I would give up everything to have Desi back.  I would endure sleepless nights for years, a teething toddler, tantrums and fits.  I would give anything to watch her throw a little tantrum (never thought I would say that!).

God is so good!  He knew how badly I needed someone to remember Desi today and it just so happens that she left that comment.  He has used people in ways that I didn't think possible.  And when people have been absent, he has wrapped me up in His arms and given me the comfort that I so badly desire.  He is my comforter, my strength and the healer of my broken heart.

And so my journey continues.  Three months and counting, but I'm still living, laughing and loving, just a few more tears along the way.

Celebrating Three Months in Heaven - I miss you baby girl!